Tuesday, October 28, 2008

confuscious says...

have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. try to love the questios themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. do not now look for the answers. they cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. it is a question of experiencing everything. at present you need to live the question. perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. Letters to a Young Poet -Rainer Maria Rilke

i have no idea who Confuscious is, or even if i'm spelling his name right. just using the say for CONFUSION right now. the above quote was under confusion and i really like it. there is some confusion in my life and has been for quite some time. i have asked myself whether to just live the confusion and let it be or do i really try and figure it out. this quote above speaks volumes to me. i'm going to let it be. live it. and know that the answer will come to me one day. i did get a bit of clarity with it yesterday. for however long i have felt i did something so wrong. that living in the gay life was WRONG. i didn't use to think that way, but somewhere along the way i accepted this to be true. then someone said i was living in decadence for it. well lo & behold i finally went to the damn dictionary for the word decadence. something about a decline i.e. morals, etc. well hogwash. morals are only right and wrongs. Truth with a capital T, in a grander understanding there is no right or wrong, good or bad, good and evil. there is only God, only Life. Life IS. now i know some people may disagree with me on this and that's perfectly fine. right and wrong is duality among other things. my thoughts are my philosophy and beliefs i've come to know is true. to know it from within my heart after much reasoning and contemplation. my "wrong" for being gay started over a decade ago, if not really two or more decades ago. it's only now that i can sort this minor detail out. my sexuality is my CONFUSION. gay or bisexual. that has been my question for a very long time. i haven't spent a lot of time deciding on that. it just hasnt' and isn't that important to me. i am no more my sexuality than i am my illness. those are only ASPECTS of myself. who i am is what comes from my heart and my intergrity. i've come to again realize i have such a love for women that just won't go away and i will no longer struggle to make it do so. it just aint happening. and that love does not come from a sexual place within me. it comes from my soul, my heart, my very Being. why people are gay is unknown to us as it is unknow to the rest of the world. i don't have the answer and i haven't met anyone else who has-except Ramtha, and i'm not sure i'm accepting all of his understanding to that. i am attracted to men too, but i have yet in a very loooooong time had that heart felt connection to them. my journey is my journey and i've been on this course of my sexuality since i was 18 and i had my first relatioship with a woman. i've dated both men and women throughout the years. for the past 4-5yrs i have dated no one. and so i remain single and celibate which i am happy with. should someone come along who totally sweeps me off my feet, and it'll have to be someone awfully SPECIAL, i will continue my journey alone spending times with my friends and family. i have no regrets with my course. it is has given me great wisdom. there is no reason to feel guilty about it anymore. Life is sweet..a bowl of strawberries....thank you my friends for listening.


Indigo said...

I'm so proud of you dear friend. You answered your own question in so many ways. No matter what your sexuality is, color of your skin, beliefs...underneath it all is who you are. The personality and soul that makes you, you. That unique part that will never be duplicated in another human being. Once you realize all your choices, all your feelings reflect that inner you. It all makes sense.

Me? I love you either way dear friend. Live your life for you. I once told a friend, you can't choose who your heart falls in love with. It's just something that is so basic and natural. (Hugs)Indigo

Jeannette said...

Thank you for such an open and honest posting. Love yourself for who you are, that is all that really matters except for - love God above all else.