Sunday, November 30, 2008

Yes!..i talked to him:-)

YES i did talk to him last nite. it' was about 1:30am last nite. although i had crawled into bed before that, i didn't fall asleep so therefore i heard the phone. i was ecstatic to say the least. he sounded good, but tired. i'm sure they're working those guys about 16hr days as they did the last time. he's already to come back home, so i hope this will be his last tour. maybe he's finally realizing there's more to life than fighting a war. i'm keepin' my fingers crossed. anyways, it was great to chat with him for a few moments. i wrote him a letter via myspace this morn and let him know i'd keep in contact with him through there until he can get a phone over there. that may be awhile, if ever, but as long as i have some type of contact i'll be good. also Earma and i became "friends" on myspace and i was able to see a pic of the sonogram. in another couple weeks, she'll know if it's a boy or girl. the baby looks fine. i also got to see some more recent pics of Kyle before he took off for Iraq. it was good to see him relaxing a bit before taking off. i got all teary eyed because it just made me realize how much i miss him. he'll be back in May to see the birth of his baby, so i'll be there too to see both. Earma is suppose to drop in here while returning to Arkansas, so i'll meet her then. so now i'll patiently wait to hear from him again. i may have to nudge him but as long as the communication stays open, i'll be fine. i'm relieved for a little while after our chat. knowing he's ok and alive is a breath of fresh air. i'll coordinate with Earma on a care package for him for Christmas and keep him in my heart even more so during this holiday. one day at a time and i'll get thru it. so anyways, that's the latest....i'm off here now to get to sleep early tonite. i really didn't sleep well after chatting with him. but tonite i'll take that pill to get a good night's rest. all the excitement has worn me out. but it's all good!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

11;02pm and counting...

My son called today. and darn it if i wasn't asleep. i missed the call but he left a message. it was good to hear his voice and he was ever so sweet. he had actually called his wife Earma and she in turn did a 3way call to me. it was immediately after i laid down for a nap. once my head hit the pillow, i was out like a light. plus i had the radio on too with the phone in my back pocket. whatever the reason, i missed the call. BUT, i'm now patiently waiting for him to call in about an hour. again he'll call his wife who will call me for a 3way phone conversation. i did learn from his message for some reason the phone he uses to call won't connect into my phone when he does try calling. it's probably a govt phone and everything can get haywired from there. so anyways, i took my meds just a few moments ago so i could stay awake, however i'm feelin' pretty darn tired right now. i'll keep myself busy somehow until midnight or later. if nothin' else i'll pull out the Christmas tree and start putting it together. didn't get that done today since i worked at the mall this evening. so anyways, i'm off to stay awake. keep your fingers crossed for me. i'll keep you posted...

i heard from kyle!


The Tao--22nd verse
the flexible are preserved unbroken.
the bent become straight.
the empty are filled.
the exhausted become renewed.
the poor are enriched.
the rich are confounded.
therefore the sage embraces the one.
because he does not display himself,
people can see his light.
because he has nothing to prove,
people can trust his words.
because he does not know who he is,
people recognize themselves in him.
because he has no goal in mind,
everything he does succeeds.
the old saying that the flexible are preserved
unbroken is surely right!
if you have truly attained wholeness,
everything will flock to you.
alas, i heard from my son! i had to grab his attention, but he responded. it's been 6weeks or longer and i hadnt heard not one word from him. maybe because i'm still reading Jarhead, he's on my mind even more. (yeah i went back to this book) anyways, i finally left a comment on his myspace page. he is the reason i got onto myspace as well but we rarely communicate through it. well after noticing that he had indeed seen my comment and didn't reply, i made another one. this time i told him if he didn't at least leave me a comment on my page i was going to come over there and kick his ass with billy club in hand. this is a running joke between him and i, but it caught his attention. i also told him i knew he had seen my previous comment. i just made this entry last night before i went to bed. first thing when i woke this morn @ 6am, there it was, a reply from him. now for a little while i can worry a little less. it made my day!! best Thanksgiving present i got even if it was a day or so late. i know he's so totally wrapped up in his wife, but i'm still lettting him know i'm still around. so i sent him a message via myspace to let him know i worry about him alot being over there and to just drop me a note on my page if he can't call. although i've been updated on him thru his wife, the last 2 phone calls she has not replied. i'm calling again this weekend startin' today. she complained months ago that i didnt' talk to her, now she's not returning my calls. go figure. kids, i know they have much to learn still. but i know in my heart they're both are ok. just tryin' to keep communication open between us. it's tough long distance, i know this with my own experience and especially when you're overseas. my first duty station was overseas and then we didn't have cell phones or computers. now there's ample communication devices besides the snail mail of letters. anyways, i've heard from him. i'm happy!
so i had a good Thanksgiving. it was a chill out day before going to some friends. the food was good. company was good despite a bit of drama. but what would a holiday be without drama. all the drama going around the past couple months has made me rethink about becoming a spiritual counselor at church. at this moment in time, i don't think i'm ready for that. (alot of the drama has been at church). i know we all have our moments, but....we can make a better life by changing our thoughts and reactions to others in a more positive way. we are all human for God's sake but we create our lives by how we think. Change your thinking, change your life. i know it sounds simple, it really is, but one must work on the change. i've been working on mine for a very long time and it's second nature to me now. granted i have my moments, but i do my damnest not to get caught up in the drama. it gets really hard when you're constantly surrounded by it, so therefore it's always a time for a hike for me. the wind just blows it all out of my system and revitalizes me. this is a way of meditation for me. meditation doesn't have to be sittin and chanting oms. one can meditate many different ways and i for one like to hike. i focus on the wind and the sun. the wind caresses my cheek and runs through my hair relaxing my mind and taking all my cares away. the sun warms my soul reminding me of the love i am. nature is full of unconditional love. that is the love of God. nature is too God, the Divine Love constantly expressing, freely, unconditionally. anyways, i could use a hike right now. i may go, but i have things to do today. my old boss asked me to work this evening at the mall. i told her yes. during the holidays i'm even more giving than at other times. if i only give my time to help out, then i have done something worth while. it also helps distract me from my holiday blues i usually get and not be so wrapped up in it. hopefully it won't be so bad this year. so anyways, i have much to do before then. so off i go....

Thursday, November 27, 2008

happy thanksgiving


Thanksgviving Blessings
Awesome MySpace Comments & Myspace Layouts

i'd like to wish everyone a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! i am deep gratitude to each and everyone of you for following my blog. you are blessings in my life each and every day. may you have a wonderful and fulfilled day with warm hearts and great food...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

just in...

"just" got this from Sandy. her pic of me, Jane & Jesse from our road trip yesterday....if you can't tell, we're all short people...lol anyways, this is my usual garb...lol just wanted to share this:)

mixture..

goodness, it's tuesday evening. the day didn't go as planned, but then again i didn't have much of a plan. i spent the mornin' coordinating the schedule for work only to have one woman quit on me right after sending the schedule out. i was actually relieved when she opted out and fortunately didn't have to change the schedule too much to cover her. it was a bright spot in my day actually. she's been difficult since day one when she came on board. she was headed out anyways, it came sooner than laterz. a blessing in disguise. so anyways, then i met Marsha for lunch and some grocery shoppin'. quick, sweet and delightful. one lady in the store dropped her jaw once she saw us, so i assumed she thought Marsha and i were a couple. O well, we're not but she didn't know that. we both happened to have our denim on today. denim jeans and jacket. but yesterday our crew that went to Jesse's, we all had on black. everyone of us. another day in sync i suppose....lol.... the first photo here is of Sandy, Jane and Jesse in front of his house. It is a very old house. made of concrete i believe with a tin roof. this whole little town there was the same. they all look really run down or close to it, but they're perfectly happy. from where i was born in kentucky, i thought houses were so old, they were dirt. well when i moved out here in New Mexico, i think i found houses even older. i was reminded of them while visiting Jesse's town yesterday. but that is the culture here i learned. i have no complaints. it just took me awhile to adjust seeing them. i first saw them on the pueblos, but i've seen them also in other places. very country rural is what i figure. they seem impoverished but i'm not going to make that judgment because i really dont know if they are. Jesse definitely doesn't seem to be poor. he just seems to me that old country man to me. there was a time i could have lived as such, but i got past it and never really did either. it was just in my heart to have a cabin type home in the midst of the woods no matter how rugged it looked. that was just the nature of my heart at the time. that's how i see Jesse and his house. rustic is my middle name. Jesse is rustic. so i'll say these houses are definitely very old rustic. anyways, it was another side of Jesse i learned about yesterday. his house is befitting of him of what i had already learned. a beautiful soul shaped from the harshness of life since childhood...we grabbed a few of his things and came back. i picked up one of his bandanas and put in my pocket. told him i borrowed it, but i'm keeping it. my favorite color too=purple. another small item to cherish his presence once he's gone.
.....now the second photo is from my trip with ranger jim the other day. this is a view of Moriarty many miles away. it's not very big either. again country and rural area. i think New Mexico is mostly country and rural areas except for our city and Santa Fe. New Mexico is a unique state and i don't find it like any other state actually. it's beautiful and full of culture, yet rustic. i think each town in it has its own unique personality separating themselves from all the rest. and there's lots of DUST! ....
.....anyways, the last but not least, the photo on the bottom here is of a juniper tree. it's very old and i love the bark on it here. think the first i've seen such a tree. there were a lot of beautiful trees in the forest. it was such a wonderful hike thru the forest the other day. i could have stayed all day. again my country western self out in nature. i'm lovin' it.
now i'm off to start another book or piddle around the house. tomorrow i must start on that paper for class next week. it's an autobiography 4-6pages long using the Law of Cause & Effect, a part of our philosophy. maybe i'll start tonite. we're only about a third of the way into this class, and i'm all ready for it to be over. i hope it goes by fast. then summer will be here again:).





rewrite ranger jim

hmmm....photos are loading totally differently on here now..bah humbug....anyways, this isn't going to be much of a rewrite from the previous entry which i HAD to delete this morn. because i mentioned said place and said city someone at ranger jim's job picked up my blog and got all stirred up about it so anyways, i had to delete the entry....i did get the comments made before deleting it, thank you.....it was a good time yesterday. below are more photos which i took yesterday besides ranger jim & marsha as well as the llamas. the mountain in the distant is the Sandias on the backside from the city. now i know where to go take some photo shots once it snows over there. they'll get it before we will here in the city. i've got my jeep, i'm ready to go! i'll post a couple more photos laterz that i took out there. right now this will be it....
right now i'd like to talk about today. just a bit. our road trip to Jesse's house went well today. there was 4 of us. it was way up north of Santa Fe and rural New Mexico again. of course one doesn't have to go far for rural. it was a great trip and i'll post tomorrow our pics. it was a beautiful day for it. a little chilly up there, but absolutely gorgeous in the Pecos National Forest. almost another place for me to live amongst the green. almost. a little too rugged for me actually. but a little town set down in the valley. maybe a population of 30 people. anyways it was a great trip. i learned a little more about Jesse. interesting indeed. he's his own character for sure. i love him!
then i came home and finished Marley and Me. if you haven't read it, it is a must read. especially if you're a canine lover. it had me rollin in tears of laughter last night. tears of sadness tonite with his passing. but i feel so much better about my Boo and all the messes she creates around here. i also don't feel so bad about so much dog hair that my Jimmy sheds all the time. i no longer feel alone in the cleaning dept when it comes to cleaning up after them. Marley stole my heart and so did John Grogan and his family. what i've endured with my dogs is nothing compared to what Marley did. but you just love 'em all the same anyways. My dogs are my best friends in their own special ways. not enough can be said about their loyalty and unconditional love. i am blessed to have my two as well as the countless before them. i had a small herd of them at one time. 6 to be exact. if i had a bigger place i might just have more. but right now my two are plenty. eventually i'll get down to one, but these two are perfect for now. they keep each other company while i'm away. it makes them very happy. me too. so anyways, if you haven't read this book, i HIGHLY recommend it. it's a great heart warming story and more......






right now it's late. after midnight and waaaay past my bedtime. i just deleted a photo here and i'll repost it another time. tomorrow i promise to be more cohesive. i've been up tooo long....lol.










Saturday, November 22, 2008

a new photo!


ok folks! here i am nowadays. i just posted this photo to my About Me section. this is what i look like today. the last photo was over 2yrs old. i really only have a slight double chin although this photo seems to look like it otherwise. this photo Marsha took of me just this evening after our movie and dinner. think i look better with hair....it's been a day. i didn't get all i wanted done today, but i hadn't spent time with Marsha lately and she was ready for a movie. so was i sometime this weekend, so off i went. we saw Lakeview Terrace. it was intense for subject matter. only a little violence but intense anyways. we saw it at the dollar movie. that fits our budget at the moment. goodness, life can turn on you in a moment. it did so for me today, but i'm fine and will be ok no matter how life unfolds. i've been a little grumpy today because of a co-worker, but i'll be talking to my boss on tuesday regarding this. i broke down and had a cigarette today. it's been well over a month since the last one, but one day i hope to quit totally again. i guess i can't complain too much about it. i mean once every 4-6weeks really isn't bad. anyways, tomorrow more time with Marsha and this time with Jim her boyfriend. we're off to open space area which he works for the City Parks Dept. i can find more trails for our hike group to go on especially during these cold winter months. usually no trees, but sum beautiful desert. but we'll be back in time for my football game. whew! two days in a row of R&R, i can handle that:)!

a week off..

i get a week off...YAY!!! goodness i woke to the phone ringin' this morn. it was a fellow co-worker callin' to see if she worked today. i asked her if she wanted to work the whole day, and indeed she did. i've been workin' all week. i felt i could use a day off. plus the other day i changed my schedule so i could have sundays off and watch sum football. i switched tuesdays with another woman. this worked out best for her too. well this tuesday i 'm not needed, so this means i'm off until next friday. i can hang with that. i don't have class either so there's no pressing issue with homework. i get to relax and play for a few days. and today worked out perfectly. after gettin' off the phone, i went to let my kids back in. well i discovered immediately that Jimmy was no longer in the backyard. someone broke the fence and he went thru it. my Boo doesn't leave the yard without me even if the fence is broken. so i started scramblin' to get dressed and headed out the door. hopped in the car and only a few hundred yards away, there was Jimmy. i had no clue how long he had been gone so i thought sure i was going to find him in the pound eventually or not at all. but Thankfully he was right down the street. i'm all but on a intersection of two streets and he was on the other street. i couldn't see him just standing outside my door. i was soooo relieved to see him. he jumped right up in the car as soon as he recognized me-he didnt recognize my jeep for some reason. anyways, now i'll be off fixin the fence. guess next year i'll put a new one in all together. i'll check into what the cost would be to have someone else do it, but i know it'll be cheaper for me to do it. i did it before in my last home. maybe i'll someone do a section of it where the gate is. i'm not too great at building the gates and with my dogs, a very sturdy one is needed. Jimmy goes knuts sometimes when i'm leaving and will chew thru the gate so he can get out. yes it's wooden, but i prefer it that way. no one can torment them thru an open gate....so anyways, i'm off to enjoy my weekend. football, fence and o yes, fix that brake light on my jeep. i will also finish Marley and Me this weekend. more than likely i'll pick up Jarhead and finish that too. i'll have plenty of r & r time to get it out of my system once i'm done with it. i'll be hiking a lot too this next week. i'm looking forward to the down time. so have a great one my friends! cya laterz...

Friday, November 21, 2008

i got my chocolate..

it's friday evening. i'm sittin' at church passin' the time by. nobody in the building at the moment but me. it is sweeeet! i'm listenin' to my music on the radio and eatin' my chocolate for dinner. in about a half hour, people should be rollin' in here for their group events tonite. i may be here past 10pm tonite depending on one particular group, Dances of the Universe. they're suppose to set up their own event now and reset the sanctuary once they're done. so i'll see how long it takes them to get out of here. last time they were here, they were here til 10pm and they did no setting up or resetting the sanctuary. i'm anxious to see how this goes tonite. i really don't want to be here past 10pm which is my norm on any given night. i'll keep my fingers crossed.
today i did a bit of shoppin'. headed to REI my favorite recreation store to shop for gloves for my sister and her grandkids. they are rag wool gloves which she has not been able to find in kentucky where she lives. maybe it's too warm there for those folks to sell them, but i bought her a pair years ago which she recently lost. well REI was having a major weekend sale including these gloves. so i bought for my sis, her daughter and two grandkids. hopefully the adult small are small enough for the kids, yet long enough to cover their fingers. these are fingerless gloves. i've been wearing these gloves for over 2 decades and got my sis hipped on them a loooong time ago. if you don't know, wool is great for the snow. you may get wet, but the wool will keep you still dry and warm. and these gloves don't itch as sum wool does. so these will be great for the kids to build that snowman once they get enough to build him. if nothing else, their hands will stay warmer in the winter this year and a few more too.......so after i did REI i headed over to Sears for another Leatherman. this summer i noticed mine had disappeared. hoping it would show up again soon, i realized today it never did. they have gone up in price since i bought mine years ago, but are so handy i don't like going anywhere without one. so i'm makin' sure i don't lose this one, even if i have to resort to wearing it on my belt daily. but for now, i have my backpack that i carry ALL the time....i don't own a purse....lol so that was my shoppin day... traffic got busy as hell and i headed to church.
once here at church, i saw Sandy, Jesse's and mine mutual friend. we chatted briefly and i learned Jesse is thinking he won't be here for Christmas. this tells me he's startin' to accept his fate. his focus at the moment is to just make it for Thanksgiving. Sandy, Jane and i are planning on drivin' Jesse up to his house on monday to take care of sum personal affairs. he's been putting it off and putting it off and putting it off. so somehow Sandy's going to convince him to go. his house is way up in northern New Mexico, but we need to stop at Santa Fe first, an hour north of here and our state capitol. so, his time is gettin closer i suppose. at this very moment i can handle that. i recognized in talking with Jane and Sandy this afternoon, i may have to be the strength for all of us on monday when we take this ride. it's not a definite yet, but we will do what we can for him. He has given us much, especially Sandy. i won't ever forget him...........Bless you Jesse. you're an Angel and don't even know it...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

O Love Divine....and Award

O Love Divine within me, I am overpowered by Thy Presence.
I am speechless, for words cannot utter the things that Thou hast revealed to me.
Why dost Thou love me so, and why clasp me so close to Thy Eternal Heart?
O Blessed Presence, I know, for Thou hast claimed me as Thine own.
I shall nevermore walk apart from Thee.
The love of God is within me.


today i was honored and humbled by Christina's award bestowed upon me, Marie Antoinette Award Real Blogs Real People. If you haven't met Christina, she is a very brave woman in the midst of battling her cancer. please do visit her @ http://uniboobclub.blogspot.com/
I thank you so much Indigo for introducing Christina to me. You both are great inspirations to me. I'm in much gratitude to you both for your presence in my life for which words cannot express...so anyways, with this honor, i get to choose 7 more people for this honor. As Christina echoed there are too many good journals to include them all. with this award are the following rules....

1. Grab the logo and place in your journal (blog)

2. place a link from the person you got the award

3. nominate 7 people if you can

4. add their links to the people

5. leave a message on their journal to let them know.

6. put the award on your sidebar/journal

so here are my 7 in no particular order:

1. Indigo of Screams Quietly @ http://deafscreams.blogspot.com/

2. Anne of Saturday's Child @ http://saturdayschild-anne.blogspot.com/

3. Marti of Porch Stories @ http://porchstories.blogspot.com/

4. Jude of My Way Again @ http://mywayagain.blogspot.com/

5. Melissa @ http://melissa-justanotherdayinparadise.blogspot.com/

6. Julia of Julia's New Journal @ http://juliasnewjournal.blogspot.com/

7. Bea of A New Bridge @ http://anewbridge.blogspot.com/

These are a "few" of my favorite reads. There are plenty more and some i had wanted to include on this list had already received the award so i wanted to give kudos to others as well. Bless you all for taking the time to read my journal. I enjoy each and everyone of you!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

puppy love


well here he is..Asher. this is the little guy i mentioned in the last entry. he's Rachel's new puppy. a cross between shephard and lab. he's sooo cute.....Rachel is the twist of fate when Marsha was let go by the church. i hadn't seen Rachel in 15yrs....so anyways, after being at the church for a week, Rachel went out to find a new puppy. unfortunately her family had lost 4dogs this year to their transition. initially Rachel had found him at the shelter or Animal Humane, but he wasn't old enough to adopt. well when she went to the Adoption event, lo & behold he was there. she had been talking schnauzer before she walked out the door...lol. right now the church is allowing her to keep him in the office with her. she's has bedding for him there and lots of toys. he was sleepin until i walked in this morn to say hello and make a payment on my class. once he saw me he was up and about. it's been about 4yrs now since i've been around a puppy. that was when Boo was being picked up by Tjnya, who took me along for the ride. i still run across Boo's puppy photos from time to time. but for now i'm good without a puppy. Boo is still my puppy and she still acts like one too...lol. so for now i'll enjoy Asher. he's getting his socialization and not being left alone. he's well taken care of and in great hands.....
well he was not the only JOY for the day. tonite while at work, a friend sent me a photo of her newborn baby via cell phone. the friend is actually Kyle's ex-girlfriend. i've stayed in touch with her for awhile now via myspace. this is her first child, a boy, Cameron. i couldn't quite tell who he looked like the most, but she said his dad. but i did notice he had his mom's black hair. he was born about 11:45am, Hawaii time, this morn. a little over 6lbs but healthy as can be. he was a sweetie pie too. that made my day. i knew this little guy was due soon but was really surprised she sent me the pic and let me know. i'm sooo happy for her and family. once she gets photos of him on myspace, i'll ask if i can post them here. Babies and puppies, what more could you ask for in one day:-).


lines

if i remember correctly not long ago there was a photo challenge or something going on regarding lines. today i went downtown to pay the electric bill and happened to have my camera....i was headed to George's afterwards for other photos...anyways, this building sits across from the electric company. it is actually a garage and this is what they put on the side of it. i've always wanted to take photos of this because i think it looks sooooo cool. i didn't get the whole side of the garage in one photo, but most of it. too many obstacles to get a really good photograph. so here are a few shots i took today.....i also took photos of a puppy today i'll be posting soon. right now i hope you enjoy these shots:)....









Tuesday, November 18, 2008

window shoppin'


another beautiful day today. i should have been outside for the day. but i went and picked up my small paycheck from Jen's office then headed to the bank to cash it. as usual i went to Jen's bank since it's basically next door to her office, in lieu of going a couple miles down the street to find my bank. a convenience thing. i've been doing it since i started working for her. well lo & behold, her bank changed procedures on cashing the checks for those who are not a member. i had to sign in to see a bank reception first so she could verify my id, then she took me to the teller...what a crock! i inquired if this was going to be the procedure every time i came in here and she said yes. well with that, i'll go the couple miles to my bank. this is just a bunch of bull and who knows what else banks will do. this just takes that much more time and i could be at my bank in the same time with no hassle. what did they think i was going to do? rob them? they will have fraud regardless of their extra steps in taking precautions. people will rob them regardless. don't they know that people will obtain whatever they want with whatever means they want if they want it bad enough. this deterrant won't make it go away. just aint going there again...
so after that little adventure i treated myself to Souper Salad. and i remembered i wanted to eat salads a little more often. over the weekend i was on a junk food mode. the only time i do that is when i'm stressed. so i must have been stressed for some reason and just not aware of it. i'll contribute it to Jarhead. it definitely had its strain on me....anyways, after lunch i went window shoppin' next to the diner, a little strip mall. there were a couple items i wanted to shop for, blazers and vests. i went into Anchor Blue and The Burlington. nothing in Anchor Blue. didn't expect them to have anything anyways, but on occasion the youth shops will sell a nice blazer jacket like American Eagle. so off to Burlington. i checked the women's dept. i checked the men's dept. back to the women's dept, then downstairs to the coats. i found a coat downstairs at a reasonable price. so maybe this week i'll get it. i had checked the men's dept for i found no vests in the women's dept. i also wanted to compare the length between the men and women's blazers. sometimes i like things long, hence the men's clothing. found a vest, but no blazers i really liked. but the thing i noticed the most was the look on me from the women's side. alas a feminine touch i haven't worn in quite a long time. i so love being in my Levi's and a sweatshirt or t-shirt, i've forgotten what some feminine apparel can do for me. i have my father's built and sometimes people mistaken me for a guy. i've also had someone tell me i look androgynous or even very feminine. but for years now, especially since retiring, i live in my Levis with my old country heart playing all the time. i've contemplated from time to time about dressing with a feminine touch, but haven't found the right clothing. plus i was trying to force the issue because of friends and other reasons, but i haven't been ready. think i'm ready a bit now, but today as i thought about it, i'm going to do it with my Levis. now i may have to change that should i become a Practitioner (spiritual counselor) at church for there's a "dress code", but for now, i'll start weaving my jeans with a little womanly touch and see how that works. maybe by the time i become practitioner, i'll be ready for slacks again. for 26yrs i wore a uniform of sorts. if not in the military, in the post office. i was always sharp and dressed to a T. it's been nice though since retiring having no requirements to "dress up". my jeans are my true nature spiritually and otherwise connecting me to nature year round. i think we should make it our national attire...lol can you imagine our president addressing the nation in his jeans? maybe people would be a little more relaxed and peaceful and harmonious with one another. maybe we could connect more easily with less adversity. but these are only my thoughts. i can only dream....:)!

Monday, November 17, 2008

white sands nat'l park

I had so much fun on the last entry, i thought i'd do it again. for those new to my journal, i took these photos, and many others, at White Sands National Park here in New Mexico. it's in southern New Mexico and not far from where the Space Shuttle lands occasionally. these are just a few photos i took there. now that i have this option to show multiple photos at once, i'll use this from time to time.

anyways, the day has been good. did a tidbit of yard work. didn't want to push myself after surgery per doctor's orders. then i got put in a major dent into homework this week. i have two papers due plus another 100 pages or so of reading to do. got half of that done today, if not more. now the other half and another paper. i was just telling Maggie that the reading today gave me some perspective on things regarding spiritual living. found sum answers to that if not the totality of it all. Life is finally settling down a bit for me. i'm finally gettin' in a routine of sorts daily which i've needed since retiring almost 3yrs ago. if possible i'll take another hike tomorrow. i took one yesterday. missed a wonderful service at church but i knew i needed my nature more yesterday than service. it was very refreshing for my soul and energizing. i think the fresh air put me almost to sleep at work yesterday. thank goodness i didn't have to be there but 4hrs....well the holidays are around the corner and i'm not ready for them. it's still 60+degree weather and i'm asking where's the cold. Maggie told me not to think about that and pray it doesn't come our way. sometimes we do have such mild winters, i swear it's almost like spring. maybe tha'ts what's headed our way. only time will tell....in the meantime, i put Jarhead away for good. not going to finish that book. gives me a headache just thinking about it, but it too provided perspective on sum of my life too. so now i'm into Marley and Me and would like to finish it before the movie comes out next month. it is much joy and laughter if you own dogs and i highly recommend it. my own dog Boo gave me much laughter last nite. i posted sum affirmations last night on my mirror in the bathroom-on 8x10 paper. no sooner than i posted it, she was barking her head off at it. totally cracked me up. she does this a lot. it's never a dull moment around here with her except when she sleeps. but canines are the simple pleasures in life that gives me such great joy and unconditional love. sometimes i think about not having any pets one day, but then Boo comes along and reminds me why i should....

Sunday, November 16, 2008

a little fun

i found this cube on my step-mother's msypace account:)..so i thought i'd have a little fun. the two doggies are mine. Boo the rottie, Jimmy the Big Dog. the kids are Jorje's. Picturetrail is the website and you have other options to choose from for creating slideshows. so check it out if you like....


Saturday, November 15, 2008

Command My Soul

Spirit with me, comand my Soul to do Thy bidding;
Compel me to follow the course of Truth and Wisdom.
Control my inward thoughts and my outward ways,
And make me to understand Thy Laws.
Command my Soul to turn to Thee for guidance and light;
To trun to Thee for wisdom and knowledge.
Let the paths of my Life be made straight and sure;
Let the Journey of my Soul find its completion in Thee.
Command my Soul to do Thy bidding.


















....this photo is too from Bosque del Apache. these are cranes coming in for the night, flying in fewer numbers across the sky. yet another beautiful sight......so as recommended i didnt touch anything regarding this blog and my gmail address. i'm keeping them as two different accounts at the moment. should AOL close down for good, then i'll consider merging them. Google and Blogger are not familiar enough with me yet to make any drastic changes at the moment. so i'm staying put....the day has been long. another very busy day at the church. Rev Julie did make it into town this weekend and i got to see her momentarily today at the church. right now i'd like to sit with her over a cup of coffee and just talk spirituality and the way(s) of Life. i have evolve much and i'm realizing that more and more lately including with the read of Jarhead. i had to put that book down for awhile again. it's too much for me at the moment. it is vulgar, demoralizing and degrading to the human spirit. But is not what war does to one in the midst of it. i had heard decades ago that the Marine Corps was tough, very tough, but i had no idea until now of its agenda. this book will be enough for me to answer all war questions. i think i've finally got all the pieces to understand it fully. although i used to curse like a sailor at times many years ago, i curse sparingly nowadays. it's almost not a part of my nature anymore, that's how much i have evolved from within. i no longer need the words or those feelings. reading the news tonite, i contemplate "standards" in life and how diverse we are. i'm starting to sense a new direction for my life and the way i want to live it, so i will steer it in another direction. i don't have the complete picture of the newer adventure, but as time unfolds i'll know. there is much despair, hardship and adversity in life, but i know there is much joy somewhere here too. i'm in search of it. i have to find it for myself. only yesterday i was asking myself what will be my new "work" in life? what will it be that will fullfill me like my previous work did? there are a few possibilities. i need to explore them. i need some guidance still, but i will forge ahead getting all the guidance i need. mostly i need to guide myself, be the captain of my ship. there's a vast ocean of life to sail. i'm preparing my gear and will set sail when all preparation is done. i'll start tonite with a simple prayer. another glorious day is on the horizon. first, a glance at the stars at night and the moonlight shining brightly.

Friday, November 14, 2008

a note..

another photo from Bosque del Apache. this is when the snow geese are initially coming into land. the previous photo was of them actually landing....




now, the note...i may be getting ready to change the email address on this journal. i say may because i haven't made up my mind yet. i'm waiting on a response from Raven before setting up a connection to my Gmail address. lately i've had problems with the email address for this account being changed to my gmail address and then i cant' get into this. i just figured out i have to google accounts and that's what's causing the problem. everytime i sign into for my gmail emails, the address on this journal is changing dammit. but lo & behold i figured out that i had two accounts and can sign into the other one to get access here. i'm going to try and delete the gmail address and open a new one, therefore making it the default address here. so what does all this mean. i have no idea once i do that, that i'll be able to access this journal. again waiting on Raven. soooo, i pray i don't have to set up another journal. if so, i'll let you know, but i don't think i'm going to risk losing this one. i've put too much work into it to let it go. so i'll make the wisest decision possible. with the rumor of AOL closing, i want to gain access here to all my email addresses. so this is my dilemma. so if i'm not on here for a few days, i'm refiguring. Google..go figure...

Thursday, November 13, 2008


Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn!
Look to this Day!
For it is Life, the very Life of Life.
In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence.
The Bliss of Growth,
The Glory of Action,
The Splendor of Beauty;
For Yesterday is but a Dream,
And To-morrow is only a Vision;
But To-day well lived makes Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,
And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope.
Look well therefore to this Day!
Such is the Salutation of the Dawn! -Kalidasa
a moment to dream. a moment to dare to live. the new year is on the horizon and i have many plans. but today the dawn breaks offering a new day. the sun is shining and it will be warmer today. i will definitely get outside today. it's about time to start hiking once again now that i'm recovered from surgery. i'm still thinking about the Grand Canyon for next year. i'll know in the spring if i'll be able to make it..and a note, George the guy i was suppose to go with this year, he backed out too. i was relieved for i didn't think he was in shape although he felt he was. of course only he would know that i suppose. but anyways, he didn't go because he simply lost the backcountry permits. can't go down there without them.....so anyways, i'm looking forward to some major hiking this winter to start my conditioning again. could stand to lose sum weight too and keep my cholesterol down. things are settling down as far as my job goes and i have more free time. now it's just a matter of disciplining myself to do it again. once i get started i'll be fine. it's getting me started is the hard part..
in the meantime, as i post this photo from the Bosque del Apache where the birds migrate for the winter, i'd like to go back down there again too and see if i can capture Eagles again and hopefully closer. i don't have my major zoom lens yet, but it's forthcoming next year too. but to go back to the Bosque del Apache would be another great time. in the above photo are snow geese. they were just coming in for the night. it was a beautiful sight and i'll post another photo or two laterz.... right now i'm anxious for snow to fall. i haven't taken any winter photos in a long while. although we had snow in the mountains recently, it wasn't enough to stay. hopefully by this time next month, there will be a major snowfall. i'll keep a look out for the weather reports on tv-which i usually dont-and i'll even go up to the Jemez if need be. i love the winter and it's blanket of solitude it covers us with. i'll never forget when i was 15 living in a small town in Indiana walking home about 9pm at night from school. we had something going that night with Spanish club and i came out to this very white blanket of snow and a full moon. i lived a mile away, but the serenity that night was so enriching with the moonlight serenade. there was hardly a soul on the road that night. just me and the beauty around me...simple pleasures in my childhood as these were part of what got me thru it all. i was already learning about nature's unconditional love and didn't know it. i have been blessed...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Jesse

i forgot that i got a pic of Jesse the other day. this is my main man, a beautiful soul and adventurer himself. i think he's originally from Louisiana but lived in Texas for quite awhile. but he's been in New Mexico like forever too. this is the man with his stories. he has lived quite a life. i talked to him yesterday and he wants to do something soon. that'll be good. we haven't in a couple months now because if my busy schedule. i'm anxious to hear some more stories. i laugh so heartedly when i hear them and i definitely can use sum more laughter. so now you have a face to go with the name when i talk of him. he's still going strong in spite of his pain. i love his will and determination. his spirit soars regardless of his situation. i thought i was strong willed until i met him. i admire his strength and endurance. he has a lot of dignity and i'm sure it keeps him going too. his presence in my life is a life time treasure. he has taught me well about death. he'll always be with me even when he goes, and who knows really when that will be. he's lasted almost 2yrs beyond the time frame they gave him. he's absolutely amazing!

WEIRD!!!

it was the weirdest thing today. ok maybe weird isnt' the right word, but i have no idea what the hell happened. as i tried loggin' into my blog here, some how some way the email address for it had been changed to my Gmail address. i had no way of getting into the account. NONE. and although i was on my AOL account which is the original address for it, it kept coming up with my gmail address on this blog. i went thru blogger trying to figure out how to get to it. finally i turned my computer off and logged back on. it straightened itself out. i have only a couple ideas on how it got to be that way, but really don't know. first i searched for my gmail mail via my AOL account. Then after loading down the new internet explorer 7, i kept testing whether to make Google my home page or Comcast my home page. after changing it a few times, i settled on Comcast. but i was in Google a lot. anyways, i was freakin' out big time not able to get in my journal. all i wanted to do was look at picasa web and it's either changed or not working right either. i just wanted to look at my photos there. wanted to see which photos i had posted all at once in lieu of watchin the slideshow here. maybe picasa web will straighten out too. it is at times like these i wonder if computers are worth it. technology is full of human errors. anyways, I'M BACK!!! that's all that's important......this photo here is mine. i took his photo this past spring. there are a few other photos i want to (re)post here from my aol journal. he is one of them. otherwise i'll move forward with new photos....ok, back to my book. i'm still chillin and it is grand!:-)

times past


Solitude by zardo
it's a lazy afternoon. lazy day. Goodness i don't want to do anything today except play here on the computer or read a book. may play here awhile but first, maybe a little yard work. i've been reluctant to do that. i must gradually work my way to lifting heavier loads due to my eye. so maybe a "little" yard work. there's much to do inside, but i have no inclination at the moment to do that either. i'm appreciating my "messes" just for what they are too=clutter. now knowing my life has not been for nothing, i can arrange it as i please. i have my zen look desire but i am also checkin' reality with two huge dogs. unless i become a domestic goddess daily, my zen look will not maintain itself. so i'll opt for just Living.
i went and visited my old journal a moment ago. most the photos did not transfer, but i'm not surprised. this is the first i've really looked at it since its transfer last month. i was re-reading some of my old entries as well and my unhappiness at the store. what such changes since then for me. it's like night and day. and i even thought of going back momentarily. happy i didn't have to do so. IF my church job ever gets terminated, i may consider it. but now i'll think of it as a thing of the past. but i'm grateful for the dark moments in my life. without darkness, light doesn't grow. goodness what an inside look at life which is inclusive of everyone and everything. it truly is all Spirit....one note i want to make in case i haven't before. when i put the word spiritual in quotations, i'm really thinking that thought that everything and everyone is spiritual. there truly isn't any separation of it and the rest of life. it took me quite a long time to figure that one out, but it is truth. every facet of life is just as important as every other facet. being spiritual doesn't make me any different than the next guy or gal here on earth. i am one with all.....spirituality is not separate from ourselves......anyways, it was nice to revisit my old journal. if you want to visit go to http://kbearsheartagain.blogspot.com/
time for sum fresh air. the wind has been really cold today so i hope the sun is warm enough at the moment to counter it. if the bike was running, i think i'd take a ride.
p.s. the above photo was done by someone else. the title and author should be printed right after it. i got it from deviantart.com all other posted thus far have been my own. they are displayed in the slideshow to the right (except the domestic violence poster and the emoticon in the last entry).

back 2 Jarhead

Photobucket it's a cold morn. a little brisk needing at least a sweatshirt for feeding the birds. the radio plays music to the beat of my heart. i keep adding to my playlist. without music, i don't know where i'd be. although not always a country music fan, it has been the best music for my blues and life. ballads told that i'm sure i have experienced at times....
last nite i picked up Jarhead again. although i bought Marley and Me and began it, something drew me back to the war book. thus far the raw material isn't so much of bloody battles as so much of his mind set throughout his experiences. it's as much about sex as about the marine corp. although a veteran, i had no idea sum soldiers thinks as they do, but the war is a machine and has its own attitudes. getting back to this book it reminded me of the "trenches" i've been in. the trenches of life, that not so beautiful side of life. not only domestic violence in childhood, but exposed to the gritty side of life like prostitution and worse. i've read books too that make your stomach turn upside down like A Child Called It (which btw, unless you have a very strong stomach, don't read this, although it is a really good book)....anyways, what has all this exposure done for me, got me out of the squeaky clean life i lived. sometimes i still notice my squeaky clean thoughts, but know that was the shaping of my parents. sometimes living the "spiritual" life i do and being in contact with our church community, i forget the cruelty that is out there. i will continue books as these to remind me. somewhere recently i found my humility shoes again. i finally KNOW from deep within me the true wisdom from the humility i've experienced in life-mostly from my illness. with these shoes on, i now can truly extend compassion to others in lieu of judgment and condemnation. but i have not forgotten whence i came. my life's journey now makes sense more than it ever has. all the "spiritual" teachings i've done are now in fruition. O i'm not done yet, there's more to learn, but i'm grateful for new shoes to wear. i have been wearing warrior shoes which is a different walk. i am still a bit of a warrior but with different armor now=compassion, love & understanding. i'm coming to love ALL of mankind regardless of their war. i now know without my journey as it was, i could not have reached this stage. this is a beginning of another stage. we are all on a stage here in life expressing and learning of ourselves, others and Spirit however we choose. years ago, i don't think i would say that Life is Good, but now i know it is and includes all the good, bad and ugly.
on another note, i'm contemplating again selling my motorcyle. for two months i've had the gnawing feeling to sell it i don't know what's at the core of this, but i don't think i should ignore it. right now my bike sits for the winter. i'll have the season to really think about it and see if the feeling goes away. i'll discuss it with my therapist too. O i'm a biker and always will be, but one thing i wonder, is it worth my safety? for those who don't know New Mexico drivers are totally insane with their cars let alone us bikers on the road. time will tell. but i'll always carry with me the wind in my face and the freedom i feel while on my bike ...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

the river


"The River"


You know a dream is like a river

Ever changin' as it flows

And a dreamer's just a vessel

That must follow where it goes

Trying to learn from what's behind you

And never knowing what's in store

Makes each day a constant battle

Just to stay between the shores...


andI will sail my vessel

'Til the river runs dry

Like a bird upon the wind

These waters are my sky

I'll never reach my destinationIf I never try

So I will sail my vessel

'Til the river runs dry


Too many times we stand aside

And let the waters slip away

'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow

Has now become today

So don't you sit upon the shoreline

And say you're satisfied

Choose to chance the rapids

And dare to dance the tide...


yesI will sail my vessel

'Til the river runs dry

Like a bird upon the wind

These waters are my sky

I'll never reach my destinationIf I never try

So I will sail my vessel

'Til the river runs dry


There's bound to be rough waters

And I know I'll take some falls

But with the good Lord as my captain

I can make it through them all...


yesI will sail my vessel

'Til the river runs dry

Like a bird upon the wind

These waters are my sky

I'll never reach my destinationIf I never try


So I will sail my vessel

'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel

'Til the river runs dry

'Til the river runs dry
-Garth Brooks

Monday, November 10, 2008

p.s.....Changeling

one more note...i got a movie in this afternoon, Changeling. GREAT MOVIE!!! if you haven't seen it, go see it!

i found my answers...


Martha..i found my answers. no sooner after writing the previous entry did Lori from church called. sometimes i swear my prayers are answered almost immediately nowadays. we were suppose to have lunch tomorrow, but at the last minute she felt it best to lunch today. so off the computer, out the door and over to Weck's. i haven't seen Lori in ages other than a recent hello at church service. She and i connected when her and hubby came to the church only a few years ago. let me tell you one thing about Lori=she's Shirley MacLaine's twin-almost identical. when i first saw her at the church i had to do a double take to make sure it wasn't Shirley MacLaine herself, the actress and author of numerous books. anyways, Lori and i hit it off immediately. she's such a wonderful woman. she and i were in Roots class last year this time together. she told me i blew her away. well she reminded me today of who i really am. I am that loving, compassionate, humble person living through my heart and seeing the Truth in all Life and more....she just sent me an email and said to "Hold the truth in you and All in your heart and you will be o.k."...so true. i'm going to right that on my mirror.....anyways, we talked about church and the latest ongoings, but not with vindictiveness or cruelty, but with true love and compassion for everyone. We are all doing our best in each and every moment as that moment unfolds. we may be better at our best in the next moment, but we are human and are creating all that unfolds just as it is. sometimes the philosophical thoughts don't help in the human moments. although i know it's all God, those words do not touch the human aspect of it all. anyways, lunch was just awesome with Lori today. Then to top it off, i got to talk to our new minister Rev Julie. she only reinforced the knowingness i have within me which was also the support i needed after yesterday. Rev Julie also stated that sometimes as things happen you will feel as an outsider because you understand differently than others and choose not to get wrapped up in the drama. and that is what i have been feeling. i have no intent in getting wrapped up in the drama. i'll listen with compassion but i won't get myself pulled in one direction or another as i have felt of late. i can make a stand yes, but i don't have to choose any "side". as i recently learned, there are no sides (there are as many sides as there are people in it) and i'll learn that thoroughly as time goes on. so with today's events, i will not dishonor myself or my integrity. that is not an option. holding onto myself during these tumultous times at the church is truly the battle to be won. now i know where to get some of my support during the tides of change=Rev Julie & Lori. i'll also have it with a couple other friends, but they're pretty darn busy at the moment and have different perspectives on it all. i need reminders of what i'm doing and how i'm living from my heart and humility. Goodness i've come a long way, but this is only the beginning. To thine ownself be true! (i'm writing this on my mirror too:-)...

A Strong Woman

good mornin...it's monday morn and a dreary day. i'm ready for a nap after being awake only a few hours. i saw my eye doc this morn. the occasional double vision i see she says is probably my need of bifocals. i think she's right for it's basically when i read late at night i start seeing double. in another 3 weeks she'll exam me for that prescription. i can hardly wait. although my sight is far much better, it is at times blurry from the farsightedness or lack of bifocals which is frustrating...
yesterday i got the above picture from my daughter Jorje. i had seen it somewhere before and she had it on her myspace account. it is beautiful in it's simplicity but i think i'm learning that the word strong has more depth to it than originally thought so many years ago. yesterday morn i had breakfast with friends who are no longer at the church. we ate and talked about church affairs. it was educating to say the least, another perspective on the inner workings of the people at our church. but then i was off to work at the church with the very same people whom was talked about. i was also carrying a request from a friend who wants me to do something that i realized goes against my integrity. i was reminded again yesterday that people at the church do pretty much whatever they damn well please and that has been going on for years now. so there i am not waivering my position which is not getting on a bandwagon against some of those at church yet disagreeing with them too. what i am doing and where am i in all this mess with recent events, i'm still asking myself. there's so much i see and understand, i'm not sure what to do yet. maybe i've said all i can at the moment. maybe there isn't a platform yet where i can speak my voice until the new minister comes aboard and i have written her emails and talked to her on the phone. with our philosophy that it is all God, i wonder are we sweeping things under the rug? i'll only know in time. in my silence at the moment and i'm enabling that very same thing. i'm not into cover ups and that is what's going on at this time. at the p.o., i had the union and my peers for support. here at the church conflicts are dealt with so differently. i'm anxious to see how our new minister will lead us in healing it, if it gets healed at all. this is a new arena for me. a new way of dealing with things. i'm all ears and learning as i go. i only hope i'll know the "right" thing to do in time, including if i must go against my "integrity". surely my "strength" is being tested right now. i'm being tested on "confidentiality" so much these days all of it is giving the word new meaning. i desire to live an honorable life but i'm asking myself what does it really mean. everything i'd say at the church is testing my own values and forcing me to re-examine myself and my beliefs. this is a whole new ball game, or the same ball game with different "rules" that i'm going to have to play in it for awhile to know the outcome of the journey on the other end. it is all interesting to say the least....

Friday, November 7, 2008

tagged!

ok, i got tagged by Gina @ Gina's Space. i'm to write 6 things down that about me that i haven't told before and i'm tagging everyone who reads this to do the same. let's just have some fun and take a break from the politics for a day....

1. i'm the 2nd child of 5. i left the nest @ 18 and didn't look back. i visit every few years or so.

2. i fell off a cliff while stationed in the Azores, Portugal just shy of my 19th birthday breaking my left femur. my left leg is shorter than the other by 3/4inch since then.

3. i'm 1/8 Cherokee, maybe more. my brother is looking into the heritage. i wasn't raised on a reservation and so i forget sometimes about this blood in me.

4. i have not dated anyone for 4yrs now. currently single, celibate and happy. still on occasion struggling with my sexuality sometimes.

5. i believe in E.T.s (extraterrestrials). studying Ramtha's teachings, i have no doubt they exist. mankind are not the lone rangers in the universe.

6. i lived in Europe for a year. Germany to be exact. but i travelled to Paris, France; Amersterdam, Holland; Austria and Switzerland too.

now one or two of these i might have mentioned in my aol journal, but i have new readers since then. considered yourself tagged and have fun with this!

a visit

first if you haven't read Indigo's latest entry, please do @ http://deafscreams.blogspot.com/ the name of the entry is "Hope, Why Not?". it is a beautiful entry regarding our elections and Hope. i'm behind her 100% on what she said. she writes far more eloquently and earnestly what i can't put into words. i think i may have lost some readers because of my choice for president, but i really don't give a damn. we will change here in America and either you change with us or be left behind. we canNOT live in Fear and always stay the same. we must face our fears and ride the waves of change that's before us. there is HOPE for all of us who choose to accept it. we have come far in this election and i hope it opens the doors for others besides African Americans to become president. We are not a nation of only black and white. This election opens doors for others of different races, gender, nationality and more to dream BIG for their future as well as our nation. The Winds of Change are upon us. Become like the seasons and CHANGE!


now on a personal note, this afternoon i stopped by the Diamond Shamrock which i hung out and took my breaks while working at the p.o. lo and behold a postal customer of mine was there. i immediately said hello but he couldn't quite remember where he knew me. i asked about his wife by her name and he still couldn't remember. the other Caren in the store working remembered and told him. aha! now he remembered. it was sooo great to see him and chat for a little bit. he grew his hair back again=long, as he had it. just before i retired he had cut it. it was the same Sean i knew. he looks much better in long hair. he looks great and his family is doing well. i was always talking with Sean and his wife Theresa on my route. they were of the few i knew well from delivering their mail. i did let him know i didn't have time to say goodbye because they let me go at the end of the day after working. no chance to say goodbye, cya laterz, to my regular customers. i was just plain out of there. so that was my delight today, other than Indigo's entry:-)! make sure you read it! have a great one!

I Am complete in Thee

Photobucket Almighty God, Everlasting Good, Eternal Spirit, Maker of all things and Keeper of my Life, Thou art All.
Infinite Presence within, in Whom all live; Joy Supreme, flooding all with gladness, I adore Thee.
Eternal Peace, undisturbed and quiet, I feel Thy calm.
O thou Who dost inhabit Eternity and dost dwell within all Creation. Who Dost live through all things and in all people, hear Thou my prayer.
I would enter Thy gates with joy and live at peace in Thy House.
I would find a resting place in Thee, and in Thy presence live.
Make me to do Thy will and from Thy wisdom teach me the ways of Truth.
Compel me to follow Thee and let me not pursue the paths of my own counsel.
O Eternal and Blessed Presence, illumine my mind and command my will that my Soul may be refreshed and that my life may be renewed.
As deep cries unto deep, so my thought cries unto Thee and Thou dost answer.
I am renewed and refreshed; my whole being responds to Thy love, and I am complete in Thee.
All my ways are guarded and guided, and I shall lvie with Thee eternally.
O Lover of my Soul and Keeper of my Spirit, none can separate us, for we are One.
So shall Thy Wisdom guide me. Thy Presence dwell within me, Thy Love keep me and Thy Life envelop me nowa and forevermore.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

finally sum football...

Photobucket it's thursday nite. i stayed home from class determined to have sum fun. Marsha is still gettin' sick so she didn't get Madison nor want me to come over. no problem. so as i was reading the sports page, i noticed that my Denver Broncos (no.2 team) was playing tonite on NFL Network. aha i said. i have the sports package for my cable, now the question do i have this network too included. i called. i did. i turned the game on. YEAH!!! so i've been relaxing in front of the tube. i'm still amazed about how bright colors are even on my tv which i thought was a bit dull. now i know it was my eye. Goodness, the colors are bright and sharp on the tv...so anyways, i'm enjoying the game although we are losing...so at half time i got on here and started playing with photobucket. i found the decorating section and added a couple borders. the above photo is one of them. a view of New Mexico on my Road Trip 06 in southern part of the state. i like the borders. rather cool, so sumtimes i'll add a frame to my photos although i think my black template actually acts as a border too. but this is FUN! as tempted as i was to do homework for class, i've kept myself from doing it. the last 2weeks have been too stressful and i'm chillin'. Life is still Good despite being down right damn cold outside. today the wind was really cold so the warm sunshine didn't have an affect. tomorrow it'll be 10degrees warmer so that'll help after these past chilly days. anyways, i'll play more in photobucket. need to load more photos in there, but there's a few to play with for a little while. computers, i didn't ever want to own one until 5yrs ago. now i wouldn't live without one. addicting i'd say...lol
Life is Good

Do what you like. Like what you do.

it's a cold morn, but the sun is finally shining thru. its warmth will make a better day with just 50 degree weather. i had to pull out the sweaters yesterday. the wind blew its might force making it even colder on a cloudy day...yesterday i went to my first Al-Anon meeting. that was a good experience. for the class i'm taking at church we are required to attend a 12step program and i chose this one. although i heard in the wind a couple times there was such a group, i had no interest in it. i chose this group because my father was an alcoholic-not that he'd ever admit it, but so he was. i was apprehensive about attending any AA group because i didn't want to sit around talking about those painful memories. i've healed much of it since then, but i thought maybe this group would have some more healing tools that could be useful to me. i was surprised at what this group is doing. although i related to the fear and powerlessness that we sometimes feel in those situations, this group is designed to empower each other to set boundaries and do other things to cope with it. there was laughter in this group too which surprised me...i had before gone to a group for depression and it was depressing. i didn't want to go to another group as such and this Al-Anon group was anything but that....so anyways, i got a good feeling from this group. i bought one of their books, Courage to Change and will read it. i think i'll return to the meetings from time to time to learn more from it so i can better understand those tumultous years of long ago. i think i'll attend an AA meeting too with a friend and better understand the alcoholic. i did get a little education from my daughter on that for she's a recovering alcoholic. but i'm curious. i struggle with those people still. one thing about the Al-Anon at least, they recite the Serenity Prayer. it's one of my favorites although i have yet to get it memorized. i took that prayer 15yrs ago and started applying it to people. i cannot change them nor do i desire to do so any longer. in the bad relationship i was in at the time, i learned i was wanting her to change. it didn't happen and i realized change had to come from within her. change has to come within each individual. it was a good lesson for me among other things. O i still desire people to change, but i'm no longer trying to make it happen for them myself. to each their own journey and change as they desire...so anyways, it was a good experience for me to say the least.

in the meantime, all is good thus far with my eye. i have to do drops 4x a day, but as long as it helps in the healing process i'm good with that. i also have to wear a patch when i nap or sleep at night. i almost forgot. because of the surgery i'm not allowing my doggies to sleep with me. mostly it's just Boo sleeping with me, but Jimmy crawls over me on the bed and stays for a few minutes. at times they paw my face first to wake me up and say hello. didn't think it was a good idea to risk them doing that right now. although Boo sleeps at the foot of the bed as soon as i'm awake, although i don't move an inch, she's up saying hello. it amazes me how she knows when i haven't even opened my eyes yet and i'm awake. is it ESP? i sometimes think so. so Boo is hanging in there at the moment, but she scratches at the door. i knew last summer the bed had become hers when my mother visited. i let mom sleep in my bed and Boo insisted on sleeping there anyways...lol 4legged kids know more than we do i think at times. we could learn a lot from them and i am still doing that....

so anyways, i'm ready for some FUN! maybe i'll get a hike in tomorrow before work. maybe i'll get a movie in too-haven't done that in months. or maybe i'll curl up with a good book and read. i bought Marley and Me recently in paperback. but mostly i'd like to see Madison for a little bit. while in surgery the other day, i'd focus on a couple friends to keep my mind off the procedure. a couple times i'd think about Madison but i wanted to laugh because she's such a delight. i had to stop thinking of her while in surgery because i was not allowed to move an inch. thank goodness the procedure only last 15mins. but i am ready for a Madison fix and Marsha is working on it right now to keep her for a little while-she too needs a visit. Life is good, a bowl of strawberries!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

seeing brightly...

so, good mornin'. we have a new president. i heard the results late last night. although i spent some time @ Marsha's watching the election, we both tuckered out before the final results. once home i was checking emails when my daughter Jorje began a chat with me. from her i learned the final results. i was surprised that it was by such a large margin in the electoral votes. and the last popular vote count i heard, McCain had been leading, but that reversed itself as well. i wasn't much into the election this year. i did vote for Obama, but have reservations as to whether he'll last and what can he really do. he has a huge uphill battle already. our nation is divided and i hope we can come together for reform....but my focus will be on our church. it too is divided and we have a new minister coming in january. i feel she has some tools that will help us, but it is an individual transformation first that begins the overall change. i'm anxious for her guidance in our church as well as with me personally in becoming a practitioner. there are a few things i've realized the past few days personally that involve my spiritual journey. Rev Julie's presence will have "some" influence in my decision on practitioning. i've already written and let her know that. i've been in contact with her often this last week since Marsha's dismissal. i've learned greatly from her already.....

in the meantime, my eye sight is awesome. i went to the store last night, on my own, and all the lights were so totally BRIGHT. all the colors are so much sharper. what a tremendous change. i had no idea things had become a little "dull" in my vision. everything in the store was a kodak picture in the making. makes me want to go out and shoot more photos right now right this moment. but i'll wait until monday when i see the eye doc again for another follow up. i'm going to give her a thank you with one of my photo note kards. that's all i can do for the VA restricts gifts to a $5 limit. (although i stretch that at times with my therapist..lol) anyways, it's all good. anyways, i'm grateful for my eye doc and her skills in this surgery. and btw, i did ask her about seeing her do the surgery. she said that some patients do see the operation while being worked on. so it wasn't my imagination. the whole experience was "weird" so to speak for me. i'll never forget it....

the photo above is from Carlsbad Caverns. i don't think i've posted any of those photos since beginning to journal here. IF you ever get to New Mexico, i highly recommend these caves. they are so totally awesome. i didn't get back there this year as i hoped, but maybe next year or when my sister comes to visit, whenever that is. i have more of these photos in my old journal, but i haven't looked there to see if all my photos transferred over. one day i'll take a look at that journal again...so in the meantime, a new dawn is here. may we begin anew for better tomorrows.

Monday, November 3, 2008

intoxicating update

well it's monday afternoon. i've been napping since surgery this morn. well just a couple hours. surgery went well. the actual procedure took only 15mins or less. all the prep work took much longer. i kept meeting everyone and their buddy. they kept asking me my name and social security number. one included the birthdate. i was beginning to wonder if i was in the military again...lol. but anyways, whatever they gave me to relax during surgery sure is strong. it's like i had a couple beers and got intoxicated (i'm an easy drunk). eating a hearty breakfast afterwards helped a little, but sleeping helped even more. i woke this morn at 4am, a half hour before the alarm was to go off. fortunately getting there 15mins before my scheduled time got me booted into the number 1 position for surgery. the guy who was suppose to be there at 5:30 didn't show until an hour later. i'm very grateful for being first, therefore i didn't have time to get anxious about it. but i went in with a smile. i found myself excited to be doing this and getting it over with but a bit scared too. it was a weird experience for me, to be awake while they're operating on me and then i swore i could see a tidbit of the operation thru my surgical eye. i'm very grateful it only took a few minutes. Maggie had escorted me and treated me to breakfast afterwards. good thing others are bringing food later today. i'm not allowed to drive for 48hrs and i can feel why. i'm trying to read a book but that's too much of strain right now. so i've put on the radio and a muted tv. i'll wait for my ice cream that's on the way from Marsha. she was originally planned to escort me, but she came down with a nasty head cold over the weekend. she's better today and will be my chauffer tomorrow back to the doc, then to the voting polls and a few errands....so i'm headed for the couch. the rest of day will be spent there or my bed. thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. blessings!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

new address

well i dont know if you even need my new address... .....i have a new blog address for this journal. i don't know if you even need it to add to your "Reader's List" following, but here it is:

http://kbearsheart2.blogspot.com/ initially when setting this blog up, i had no clue as to what i was going to call this blog. i only learned this morning i could even change the address. so, hope you can use this....



in the meantime, i saw Jesse this morn. we are having an Arts & Crafts fair here at the church and Jesse brought some things in. he gave me one item, and the other i bought. the purchased item is a owl's claw with a crystal ball in it. he made it himself. while he was a truck driver, he hit an owl. he stopped and cut it's feet off it. this was the end result. he gave me a very reasonable price=$10. i bought it because it was Jesse, him telling another one of his stories which i enjoy tremendously. so i have a couple items that were Jesse's and that means a lot to me. i have yet to take his photo...but, our mutual friend Sandy just said she'll email me a photo-kewl. anyways, his' tumors have grown and hospice has been suggested. but my bet is he'll be out doing something somewhere and make his transition. he's here now at the fair doing his thing. he just keeps getting up and goes. i love him for it. if you didn't know of his cancer, you wouldn't even know he has it. so, i'm going to get off here and go visit him. have a great weekend my friends. may you be blessed with the joy and laughter of the day.

a little twist of fate

well it's the wee hours of the morn again. went to bed late and woke up early. can't figure that one out. maybe it was the dream that woke me. a woman running from some mean s.o.b. it was like i was watchin' a movie, but sensed that i was the woman. there was a time i did feel like i was running, so long ago. once i settled into NM, i felt i was no longer running. and the s.o.b. is gone... so anyways, i got dressed and went for my creamer. never can keep enough creamer here in the house. thought i'd update you on the time of my surgery. well i don't know the exact time, but i have to be at the VA Hospital @ 6:15am. i'm guessin' i'll be in surgery within an hour from that-or i at least hope so. would like to be out of there by 9am just in time for a good breakfast.....so yesterday i was blown away. i went to church to pick something up for Marsha she had left behind before going over to Jen's office again. the church has hired someone from a temp agency i had her and she was going to be able to get the files off the computer for Marsha. well i went in to meet the individual and Tim was there too. as we were being introduced and shaking hands, the woman and i both sensed we knew each other. Raechal, the woman, said i've seen you around. Really? i said. she started name a couple places and soon as she said "gym", it clicked. i screamed! Raechal!!! then i gave her a big hug. i know her. i knew her 15yrs ago. her and i used to hang out together from time to time before my illness hit me. the only reason i lost contact with her was because of the illness. i was slipping into psychosis and didn't know it. my only world to me at that time was work, home and my altered reality. i couldn't remember her or my other friends, other than work, to get in contact with. i was psychotic for about a year before someone noticed. by then it was noticeable to a fellow co-worker/friend. well by then i also had lost touch with all my friends including Raechal. i had only seen her in once in passing years later but we didn't reconnect. funny thing i was only thinking about her not long ago-last month i think-wondering whatever happened to her. anyways, later yesterday afternoon we sat, had a smoke and chatted for a few minutes. i didn't recognize her initially because she's grown her hair, plus her body and her have matured since her youthful years. she's about 10yrs younger than me. anyways, it was sooo great to reconnect with her. she'll be doing Marsha's job, but we'll go have coffee soon. that was such a wonderful surprise for me. it was like recollecting a little part of myself again. when we hung out years ago, she was a young, bright woman with a great future ahead of her. she was a bit of a punk then too, but arent' we all in our youth at times. i know i was anyways. so i look forward to catchin up with her at coffee. my how times have changed us both. i am in great gratitude for her return in my life. what a twist surrounding Marsha's dismissal. you know they say when one door closes another one opens, but i had no clue that would include me in this situation. blessings do come in disguises at times. i'm still in awe over this. what a wonderful gift!