Friday, February 27, 2009

a little desert

it' was a quiet day. a quiet afternoon. a good day to go check out that place for 4 wheelin' a friend at church suggested. i wanted to be in the open, in nature somewhere, just Being simply in the moment. i stopped by the church along the way. there's been a 3 way circus with the hand lotion in the restrooms. so i bought two extra so each could have thier own. men going into the women's room for the lotion. in turn, women going into the men's room for lotion. then i saw it in the minister's restroom. and so was the musical lotion going around....
so anyway, a short pit stop and all is well.
i first stopped and treated myself to brunch @ my favorite burger joint. this was the day to treat me for me. a day of solitude in the crowd and not. nothing but play and quiet for the day. after brunch, i was off to the westside of town and beyond. there's a smaller city on the outskirts of Albq and where the 4 wheelin was to take place. 40 miles due west on a dead end road. there before me were the sand dunes. the desert. sandy it was and mostly bikers and 4 wheelers taking the course. i drove in and about. it was rugged for sure. i didn't go far, but was tempted. it look rather treacherous but i felt best not to do it alone. in my youth, i would have perservered. but now i'm a little wiser, i won't go it alone when it looks dangerous. the second photo here will give you a glimpse of the terrain. it doesn't quite depict the danger, but it was there. so i veered left and back over the dunes into thick sand that not just any car could do. the evidence of that was laying at the bottom where many trucks and cars and been laid to rest. maybe they were there intentionally, maybe not, but they were piled in heeps on top of one another. the edges of the cliffs were too close for comfort for me. but i made it out safely, enduring the terrain. i'll go back one day with company in tow. thankfully i decided to be safe for i soon learned that i didn't have the remote control for my winch. i learned today i've lost it and had to order a new one; otherwise the winch works fine. riding my mororcycle so much i hadn't used the winch in the past 3 yrs since i bought it. but a team at church wants to use it in a couple weeks to pull bushes out. thank goodness i played with it today to discover my lost. plus if i had ventured out further and got stuck, i would have had no way to get myself out. anyways, i did i have a nice road trip today. it was great to be out of dodge. next trip will be a little longer. for now, it's all quiet on the home front...

Saturday, February 21, 2009

2 days left!!!

just in case you forgot what i look, i have 2 days left of work and i'm outta there for 5. Yippee!!! today i got done early at work walking out of there @ 2pm. so i feel like i have a whole other day left for the rest of the day. feels great. this means i get a tidbit of cleaning done, then sum homework. that adds up to less stress for next week. i have 2 papers plus reading due for homework. once done i can relax a day before tackling our next test for the following week. but the good news, i have a road trip planned. maybe sum 4wheelin' too. the road trip will be in 2 weeks up to Chimayo, a sacred place. i'm anxious to return there since years ago. with my own transformations, i'm anxious to see if the place feels any different than before. i'll patiently, next weekend i may go 4wheelin' just outside of town here. a friend today told me about a place. he says it's all desert so be prepared if you go alone. be prepared to dig myself out if need be. he gave me sum tips. but i'm sure i'll take it easy being on my own, as he stated, being gentle. hell just to be out & about doing sumthing other than homework and work. i'm excited. i haven't even been out shooting photographs and i miss it like crazy at the moment. i need a creative outlet. i need sum fun. so it's all in the works. whether i go 4wheelin, road trip or both, i'm taking my camera along.
speaking of my camera, i've been thinking of school again. i now KNOW i will finish my bachelor's. i won't start on it until i'm finished with my Practitioner's classes, written & oral exams. one more year of that and i'll be finished. but once done, i'm either returning to an academic school for an Art degree, or more than likely, i'm going to attend Emerson Theological Institute for my bachelor's and ministeral training. i really want to do both, but i can only do one at a time. what i'm serioiusly considering is doing the NY Institute of Photography the same time i do next year's Practitioner II course. then i can have fun and study spiritual material simultaneously. all this just came to light the past couple days. i have a meeting with Rev Julie in 2 weeks to discuss all this, but this new insight gives me hope for doing it all!!! i have this poster that has written on it, I Can Do It All. i'm determined to live up to it although up until recently i haven't felt like i really could....and i will learn my guitar again sometime this year. i'm confident and hopeful finally. it's been a long journey, but well worth the time. Life is Good. Life is God.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

5 days & counting...'s 5 days and counting down. whew! it's late wednesday night and i'm usually in bed by now as of recently. but right now i need to unwind. i've already worked 6 days in a row and i have 5 more to go...and so i found out tonite anyways. one of my crew resigned tonite. the other one was already to take this weekend off. that just leaves me and me only to fill in-UGH!!! i thought things were going to get better. so much for my thinking. but this resignation is not a surprise to me. i saw it coming. i think i mentioned before my job has been challenging including the 2 people who work for me. it's been awhile since i've been in a supervisor position so i'm getting on my feet with that. anyways, i already hired another person. i was in the process of bringing her on as a back up anyway. so now she can fill in for the vacancy to some degree and be a back up. i had been missing doing "real" work. now i have it and it's more than plenty even doing 20-25hrs a week. but i've also been helping in Jen's office still. so i've been doing 30hrs a week really even when trying to cut back. too much too much. i bought my lottery tickets. let's hope those pan these past two months have been too much work and not enough play. i've had fun sparingly. that's got to change like yesterday. i have a tidbit of fun but between work and class homework, i feel i'm always busy. well the month of March is just around the corner. a friend mentioned a road trip to Chimayo. i'm calling her up for that one asap. i know at the moment she has company in town. plus i think she has another road trip out of state and/or country coming up too. so i need to find that right day. i'll call her tomorrow. in the meantime, i need to find a trail for our hike group. goodness, i know tuesday's coming-my next day off...

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Invitation again...

today i realized i had not copied all of The Invitation in the previous entry. I bought the book and just opened it. so i added the remainder of the prose if you'd like to revisit it again.....
in the meantime, i have been busy still. seemingly it's too busy. i've been caught in the reference of time which doesn't exist. i've been entangled with my crew with issues of the job. i've been losing myself again only to find myself again in but a moment. i feel overdue for a road trip and will adventure soon. i fall to my knees and pray daily which comforts my soul knowing that God is with me every moment every day. i cuddle with my dogs longing for simpler days long past and i wonder where am i going next. i know this is the journey but sometimes the hard endures more than i'd like. i know i am a work in progress but where am i progressing to? i feel like i've lived many lifetimes in just this one and no end in sight. goodness, i wonder, what is next? i see the children playing, laughing and ask isn't there a simpler way to live like on a mountain top? my spiritual journey is changing and there seems more work to do. i ask myself what doors did i open within this realm and where is it leading me. it all feels like work to me but where is the joy and laughter to go along with it? spring is just around the corner. i'm only in winter's slumber dreaming the dream to be reached. better days are before me as is today from those past. but for now i stay in the moment and learn each new task.
The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer is a book. i'm just beginning it and hope for new insight. with what little i've read already, i recommend this book. it includes the prose in the previous entry. my journey is new right now and i have no idea what i've gotten myself into. It is all good. i have no doubt this book will give me a glimpse into the now. i'm going to be having some fun soon. don't know what, but i'll think of something. for now, i laugh for all the crazyness that seems to be, for truly this is but a dream.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interst me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your won, if you can dance with the wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the sliver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

....this was read by our minister today in service. it surrounded the topic of her discussion. this said sooo much and so did her service. I am moved from these thoughts and desired to share this. To thine own self be true comes to mind for me and so much more. Wish you were here today. In my heart you are...

Friday, February 6, 2009

it's only friday

When faced with difficult or painful situations, I can remember that a loving God is always here for me, always available as a source of comfort, guidance, and peace. `Courage to Change One day at a time in Al-Anon II.

the clock ticks. it's only 7:30pm. 2 hours and i'm outta here. i sit at church finally relaxing for a moment. i feel like i've been here all day, but in acutality only 4hrs. i took yesterday off from church altogether including class. the past few days i've slept lots. the month of january finally caught up with me: depression, Jesse's transition, and many hours at work. all too much to bear and i crashed. today after writing some emails, i did get out for a mini hike. tomorrow i'll be taking our hike group for a short hike as well. the fresh air today was just what i've needed all week. my grief returned atop some blues. so i slept some of it off. and i got a bit of sunshine from visiting Marsha & Madison yesterday in the park. Madison is too cute and too funny. her joy spilled over into today as i laugh at a couple things she did yesterday. first, Marsha had put on my cowgirl hat. Madison told her to give it back to me. she's not talking in sentences yet, but she points her finger and says something to let you know what she's thinking. then on the way out the door last night i was trying to get a hug and a kiss from Madison. she said no to both then pointed her finger at my jeep and said "GO!", LOL. for awhile she gave out kisses anytime. now we're lucky if she gives any, including hugz. she did blow me a kiss while at the park though. so i savored that moment for the day. anyways, Madison lit up my day yesterday. i then fell asleep while sitting up in the chair at Marsha's. this of course after i had already slept in for the day. goodness, hadn't done that in a long time. but today i'm refreshed a bit. i also got to see Rev Julie who inquired on my well being. that was really nice and warm and comforting. she knows i'm going thru the grief process over Jesse. it's really nice to know she's there for me if i need her. so this made my day...tomorrow will be another relaxing day. maybe i'll take in a movie. i finally saw Good Will Hunting last night and enjoyed it.....Life is still Good. i am blessed in so many ways.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

super busy...

just a quick note to let you know i have not forgotten all of you. frankly i miss you. i've been super busy since taking on the custodial duties at church. i think it's going to settle down only to find other things popping up. i'm over extended and will make adjustments soon to lighten my load. i barely have time to sit and vegge for a moment before it's time for bed and a new dawn of a busier day....i did manage to go to Marsha's on sunday for the Super Bowl with firends. it was a great moment for relaxation especially after an all day affair at church including Jesse's memorial service which only brought back my grief. i miss him terribly at times and can only let my tears flow. it is all good. change for me and questioning where am i heading next? only time will tell. right now i'm at church writing this. as soon as things lighten up, i'll be back on a regular basis. i miss being here. i'll be around to your journals asap, if only every few days. the only thing i know is constant is change. i had a quote for you tonite, but too tired to put it in here. time to go and rest at home at this moment. you are in my thoughts everyone. i'll cya soon.....HUGZ!!!