Thursday, October 30, 2008


Goodness. it's late thursday nite. i'm just gettin' home from class. we lost track of time, but it's always a good class. my afternoon was wonderful sittin in the park catchin' up on homework. i didn't get it all finished, but i put a dent in it. so i'll finish that homework up in the next couple days. then i must start on next weeks'. the next 3days are FULL. from first thing in the morn, til late at night. i'll be working, training, working some more. plus catching up on homework and clean things up around my place before monday. i won't have a minute to spare. so i don't think i'll be on here much over the weekend. first thing monday morn, i'll be in surgery for my cataract. i won't know the exact time until tomorrow afternoon, but i may have to be at the VA as early as 5:30am. right now, the sooner the better so i don't have time to think about it. just the word "surgery" gives me the jitters. i know all will go fine or at least i'm praying it will. i must keep thinking affirmatively. i'll know once i'm out of there. hopefully i can get online later that afternoon and give you and update. If not, asap on tuesday. until then, blessings my friends...hugz!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

stand in the heat!

well goodness...this mornin' began with phone calls to/from numerous of people, talking about Marsha's departure. first i called her. she's doing as well as can be expected. i talked with a few other people including my boss there for i gave her a hint in an email i might depart from my position on this. so anyways, after talking to everyone, i was headed for a motorcycle ride. so off i went to pick up the battery from the shop. it still wasn't fully charged, which means i may have a weak battery and may have to purchase a new one. so i canned the bike ride and headed to lunch. but i was getting out into the mountains today anyways, i'll just drive my jeep. as i was headed for some lunch first, i got a call from my boss (at church) that Rev Julie wanted to talk to me. well when she said her name i thought she said Rev Judy, for we do have her at our church to and serving as the interim minister at the moment. so i got the number, noticed it was out of state, but didnt think anything of it. well Rev Julie, our new minister, answered the phone. OMG!! uh, i didn't know i was calling you...anyways, her and i chatted about Marsha's departure but mostly about how i was feeling and reacting to it. she knows there's a division in the church and she knows people in most churches are really mean to each other. so she says something to me that made perfect sense. it went something like this "you must be willing to stay in the heat and walk thru the fire in order to create changes" she 's so right. and she told me that i was just getting my head banged into it at the moment. right i told everyone this morning, i can handle all this stuff everywhere else, but i had yet to learn how to handle it here in our church. and i realized that's because i expect more from the people at church. more loving, understanding and compassionate people. there are some there, but there are those that aren't....goodness, i know all this is God, it is Divine Right Action, but those words doesn't help ease the pain. but because of my talk with Rev Julie...i can't believe i talked to her...i will stay with the church. i was sooo ready to walk with Marsha yesterday and this morn. i cried my tears for Marsha. told her that they might as well have fired me. she joked "why, because we're joined at the hips?" she got me to laugh and she did last nite too. Marsha is hurting but she can always bring her sense of humor into the "bad" things happening in her life. she's just great....anyways, i'll stay and STAND IN THE HEAT! i pray Rev Julie can really bring us all to a place we can change ourselves so we change our community. i don't know if she really knows what she's getting herself into, but i hope we don't chase her away either.....
so i did go to the mountains. i took a hike. found my rock and was trying to meditate. just as i feel i'm about in a deep meditation while lying on my back, i feel something in my face. i open my eyes and it's a goodness, no meditation today. so i hiked back down. the dog was fine, just checking me out since he had run ahead of his owner. i just laughed and got up. i came down to a hot fudge sundae. while sitting for awhile after the sundae, i realized i was hung over a bit. i had drank a beer at Marsha's last nite. a beer type i hadn't ever drank. i have no idea how much alcohol content it had, but feeling lethargic as i was today, i'd say more than what i'm accustom to. as long as the hangover is gone tomorrow, i'll be fine. i feel better this evening than i did last night, but the hurt is still there. time will heal my wound. i'm just too close to the situation to be totally objective at the moment. i'm far better since talking with Rev Julie. i may take tomorrow totally off too although i have class tomorrow night (prac 1). there's a new dawn on the horizon. another day of adventure and treasures to find. coffee in the morn with some friends will start the day off right. i listen to my music. it heals my soul. i'll lose myself in it while watchin the World Series. it's been another learning experience...Life is a journey, not a destination.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


about 4:30pm this afternoon, i get a call from Marsha. she informs me that the church has just fired her! of course i said WHAT? you're kidding right?...No, came the reply.....

needless to say i'm in shock as well as furious as hell. i know all the details surrounding this and it just isn't justified. and Rev Julie was only last weekend telling us about Margaret Wheatley's study stating that the churches are the meanest to each other. now granted Marsha began thinking of resigning a few days ago. and granted Marsha saw this coming, but i'm still in shock. and furious. my issue is the cruelty, the ludicrous reason(s) for firing her. the inhumane action on the part of the board. the church "politics" at hand in this...the total bull behind all this. i could go on and on, but you get the idea. with her firing, and my anger, i'm ready to walk with her. i just may do that. i'm asking myself do i want to stay with a church that is doing what they're doing. stuff like this is why i quit going to church when i was a teenager. i figured i could handle the "politics" and so that's why i took the job there. but this is outrageous. i'll be contemplating all this in the next few days or so. i will talk to my mentor tomorrow...i went to Marsha's as soon as i was done at the office. Marsha seemed to be handling it better than me. again she was ready to resign. we chatted. i had a beer to chill me out. but i'm still fuming quietly here at my place now. i know these situations are core issues within me, so i need to figure out if and how i'll deal with them for my own peace of mind. in the days to come i'll know. there are other jobs out there. hell i'd even consider going back to the convenience store-at least i know i'd get hire there. i must talk to my off to bed i'll go and sleep on this....when i mean leave the church, that would include everything i'm a part of there right now=hiking coordinator and practitioner class and facilities assistant coordinator...there's got to be a better way of living...may God guide me in the right direction at this moment...

confuscious says...

have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. try to love the questios themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. do not now look for the answers. they cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. it is a question of experiencing everything. at present you need to live the question. perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. Letters to a Young Poet -Rainer Maria Rilke

i have no idea who Confuscious is, or even if i'm spelling his name right. just using the say for CONFUSION right now. the above quote was under confusion and i really like it. there is some confusion in my life and has been for quite some time. i have asked myself whether to just live the confusion and let it be or do i really try and figure it out. this quote above speaks volumes to me. i'm going to let it be. live it. and know that the answer will come to me one day. i did get a bit of clarity with it yesterday. for however long i have felt i did something so wrong. that living in the gay life was WRONG. i didn't use to think that way, but somewhere along the way i accepted this to be true. then someone said i was living in decadence for it. well lo & behold i finally went to the damn dictionary for the word decadence. something about a decline i.e. morals, etc. well hogwash. morals are only right and wrongs. Truth with a capital T, in a grander understanding there is no right or wrong, good or bad, good and evil. there is only God, only Life. Life IS. now i know some people may disagree with me on this and that's perfectly fine. right and wrong is duality among other things. my thoughts are my philosophy and beliefs i've come to know is true. to know it from within my heart after much reasoning and contemplation. my "wrong" for being gay started over a decade ago, if not really two or more decades ago. it's only now that i can sort this minor detail out. my sexuality is my CONFUSION. gay or bisexual. that has been my question for a very long time. i haven't spent a lot of time deciding on that. it just hasnt' and isn't that important to me. i am no more my sexuality than i am my illness. those are only ASPECTS of myself. who i am is what comes from my heart and my intergrity. i've come to again realize i have such a love for women that just won't go away and i will no longer struggle to make it do so. it just aint happening. and that love does not come from a sexual place within me. it comes from my soul, my heart, my very Being. why people are gay is unknown to us as it is unknow to the rest of the world. i don't have the answer and i haven't met anyone else who has-except Ramtha, and i'm not sure i'm accepting all of his understanding to that. i am attracted to men too, but i have yet in a very loooooong time had that heart felt connection to them. my journey is my journey and i've been on this course of my sexuality since i was 18 and i had my first relatioship with a woman. i've dated both men and women throughout the years. for the past 4-5yrs i have dated no one. and so i remain single and celibate which i am happy with. should someone come along who totally sweeps me off my feet, and it'll have to be someone awfully SPECIAL, i will continue my journey alone spending times with my friends and family. i have no regrets with my course. it is has given me great wisdom. there is no reason to feel guilty about it anymore. Life is sweet..a bowl of strawberries....thank you my friends for listening.

Monday, October 27, 2008

now i'm ecstatic..

it's 4am, 12hrs later than when the news was released on our new minister. i guess the realization sunk in and now i'm awake, all ecstatic with the choice. i'm HAPPY!!! the more i told people yesterday, the more it started to sink in. i did find out we called her immediately after the decision. she accepted and we will fly her in soon (i think) to work out the details of her contract. this is just AWESOME news!!! i can't wait to see her again. we have made a wise and wonderful choice. again, our whole congregation voted her in. again by a bit of a landslide. this means i will continue to pursue becoming a practitioner-a spiritual counselor-although other reasons may deter me on that. but with Rev Julie, i'm more inspired to continue and finish becoming a practitioner. only time will tell. yet i will enjoy her ministry. i've loved her talks, or sermons if you wish. i had listened to her talk from last year when she visited. very powerful to say the least. i hope others can appreciate her depth and understanding as much as i do. she's worked with Hospice for years on end now and she brings with her understanding and appreciating about life learned through her dying patients. that means a lot to me for my appreciation about life soared with the experience of my illness. each moment is precious beyond comprehension. words cannot describe the emotions i feel. and i sense a feeling of eternity as the moments unfold. yet nothing gets unnoticed. if anything, the breaths i take are more connected than before. a dollar cannot buy this insight, this experience. only Life can teach you these wisdoms o so valuable, they are priceless. and so now, we move forward. we get to grow even more than before. Rev Julie is also a public speaker. she desires our church to become the host for these engagements. she's also writing a book (or maybe it's already written). her warmth and spirit cannot be written on these pages. her words of wisdom feed me. i am in much gratitude for our choice. now i'll wait as patiently as possible for her return. it's only a moment away. until then, may you find peace, joy and gratitude in your life. there is beauty all around you. take a moment and notice. these are the gifts of Spirit always there in a moment.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

a new minister

Alas! we have our new minister. well she will be offered the job probably tomorrow. now we wait to see if she'll accept, but i have no doubt she will. she is Rev Julie Interrante. she won by a large margin. what surprises me is my reaction. i'm joyfull, but not ecstatic--yet...maybe i'm just waiting to get off work here and jump up & down for joy. there are workshops taking place at the moment and i haven't had time to digest the news. plus i've made a couple phone calls to inform people i know. so anyways, it'll be a couple months before we totally have Rev Julie on board, but i can wait. she said she'd stop in once or twice a month until her interim minister position is up in January sometime. it'll be great to see her again, a very warm person always coming from the heart. so anyways, as i write, i'm getting ecstatic. i just remembered i need to write someone and let her know. so i'm off..until we meet again...blessings my friends.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

walking the dog

it was a beautiful mornin. nice fall morn with wonderful weather. Marsha was babysitting Madison and of course i had to go for a visit. nowadays i don't know when i get to see her. i woke late this morn, 9:30 to be exact. so i called Marsha and told her i wasn't sure i'd make it. i had to be at work by noon, but Marsha said "you BETTER!" so off i went with coffee in hand. no breakfast. no cream. just black coffee..thankfully Marsha had cream... so i get over there and we decide to go to the park. the park is only one block from the house. as usual we take Scooter with us, Marsha's dog. he only weighs about 10lbs thankfully for Madison insisted that she walk him. she was sooo cute walking Scooter down the street. i didn't take my camera so no precious shot caught in the moment. he was on a leash and she had it with hand wrapped around the handle. thankfully it was light weight too. Scooter did so well with her. he didn't pull her along the way draggin her down the street. there was enough leeway in the leash that it was like Madison wasn't on the other end. it all worked out fine...on the way down, there was a yard sale. Marsha told me before we left but she knows how i am with those yard sales>gotta stop at every one. well they went ahead to the park and i strode over to the sale. they had shirts, but i didn't walk away with one for once. however they did have books. AND they had books i've been wanting to buy from Barnes & Noble. fairly recent books out on the market. lo & behold that had two of the ones i've been wanting. i saved huge bucks buying them used. i also got a couple more books for a dollar a piece. i only was in B & N yesterday looking at those books. boy did i get a bargain. 4 books, $10. i can't complain when all 4 would have cost me at least $30 or more. so when i get the time, i'll squeeze them in between homework as i am with Jarhead which i'm grateful to be reading. as Indigo commented, it's a balance of keeping the real world in sight yet not forgetting the beauty around you. THANK YOU INDIGO! these books help me stay grounded too. i can be sooo peaceful and happy for days (aside the blues at times) and just be in heaven. it's almost too good to be true. and hanging out with great friends and our church keeps me in a squeaky clean environment. well aint like that always. i need the graphics to remind me about the rest of the world. i read some more of Jarhead today. it gave me contemplation about Life and how it is just the way it is and just the way it is not. everything can't and aint Disney. although our children need Disney, there's a much harsher reality to wake up to. we need a tad of education of world affairs in our children's lives i think. my parents were so OVERLY PROTECTIVE of us from the rest of the world that i was way too green when i hit it. and besides it wasn't safe at home anyways. such hyprocracy!! and so is Life. it is Good right now for me, but i don't ever want to forget or hide from the rest of the anyways, sorry i got off in another direction with this was a wonderful morning with Madison in the park. she played her heart out as usual and became a little braver on the slides. she played with the other kids too. then she walked Scooter home again. i have no doubt she went straight in and took a nap, but i left immediatley upon return to head to work. i only spent 3hrs there today for there was little activity. then i came home and took a nap. it didn't seem that i was sleeping for i kept thinking about Life, the way it is and the way it is not. it has gave me a new perspective as to who to vote for minister tomorrow, for even in our church there is cruelty. one ministeral candidate i think, or i hope, can bring to us a way to be more from our hearts. i pray she becomes our minister...

Friday, October 24, 2008

friday nite @ church

it's 9pm mst. the radio plays my favorite tunes and i wait patiently for the group activity to depart. that would be another half hour at least. i thought i was going to be able to go home early tonite, but no such luck. the group didn't show up til the last minute. i thought it was canceled. i sit reading a book i picked up today, Jarhead by Anthony Swofford. Marsha and i had to go to Barnes & Noble today and we never walk out empty handed. low on cash, i found a $5.98 book in the 75% off section. this was the book, "a marine's chronicle of the gulf war and other battles". so i'm reading. it's raw and ugly. i ask myself do i need to read material like this anymore? have i not had enough of war stories? i'm wondering that it may be true. such a drastic change from reading my spiritual material. i mean i like to stay in touch with the world. war stories get me there in a heartbeat. but i think it's getting old. but this book, Jarhead is a good book. he writes it as the marine he is and has experienced, no putting it politely. it's just been awhile since i've heard the language and have forgotten about what really goes on in war. this guy really gives me the mind set of a grunt, and maybe most military personnel in the war zone. interesting to say the least on what goes thru a soldier's mind while in the war zone. it ain't a pretty picture. anyways, i'm a bit shocked. even being a veteran, i didn't know it was so rough. maybe it has to do with the branch you're in. and my nephew is a marine. maybe war just brings out the worse in these young men. it only gets whitewashed in the media. i know nothing like this has been written in the newspapers like this. it'd have to be edited too much. again, whitewashed. but it does bring some memories back while i was in the Air Force. just a pawn on the chess board. goodness, how my life has changed since then. my evolution and yet i still remain a bit tough. the convenience store snapped me back again with a tougher exterior. (just don't tell anyone i'm a big teddy bear inside) boy hiking sounds much more serene right now than being in tune with the world. can i live so happily while there such chaos and war elsewhere? that would be the question of the i'll contemplate it for now. at the moment i must get ready to say g'nite to the church. it's been a quiet evening mostly until the book.

Chicken Fried

You know I like my chicken fried

Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I was raised up beneath the shade of a Georgia pine

And that’s home you know

Sweet tea pecan pie and homemade wine

Where the peaches grow

And my house it’s not much to talk about

But it’s filled with love that’s grown in southern ground

And a little bit of chicken fried

Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I’ve seen the sunrise

See the love in my woman’s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious child

And know a mother’s love

Well its funny how it’s the little things in life that mean the most

Not where you live or what you drive or the price tag on your clothes

There’s no dollar sign on a piece of mind this I’ve come to know

So if you agree have a drink with me

Raise you glasses for a toast

To a little bit of chicken fried

Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I’ve seen the sunriseSee the love in my woman’s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious child

And know a mother’s loveI thank god for my life

And for the stars and stripes

May freedom forever fly, let it ring.

Salute the ones who died

The ones that give their lives so we don’t have to sacrifice

All the things we love

Like our chicken fried

Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I’ve seen the sunrise

See the love in my woman’s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious childAnd know a mother’s love

lyrics from ALLYRICS.NET

here's a little song i've been listening to lately on the radio. it's pure simple pleasure which i cherish. speaks of my heart. it is really the little things in life i treasure that make my world rock. it's got a nice tune to it too even if it's country. i'm a bit country. i listen to my music and i'm in heaven. music is good for the soul and it's a great healing tool for me when i'm blue or feel my scars. so have a little chicken fried and put on those jeans that feel just right.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

domestic violence

we do not grow absolutely, chronologically. we grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. we grow partially. we are relative. we are mature in one realm, childish in another. the past, the present, and the future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. we are made up of layers, cells, constellations.-Anais Nin

the skillet is dusty. i haven't used in months. i wash it and cook my eggs. breakfast was delightful. homemade. i contemplate humility and what does it really mean. a moment ago i read Indigo's story a little more. i am humble by her experience. although i have my own story with domestic violence, it is not as painful as hers or others. i now know why she Screams Quietly(see sidebar for her journal) i did the same. my scars still exist and will always be there. even when i have forgiven, the scars don't go away. it may not be as painful anymore, but there is still pain. there is wisdom in those experiences. it helped shape me into who i am today. i talk about it so little. it's too painful. at times my scars are triggered so easily and for a moment i'm back in those moments so long ago. now i am blessed with a better life, enjoying it as it unfolds. i still struggle from my inner self, but i get better with time. as the quote said, we are made of layers. there are even more layers to know and learn. i still need to continue to learn to love myself so that one day i feel whole, perfect, and complete. the journey is long, but worth every step....the little girl pictured is my great niece. at the moment there is a struggle with my sister, her grandma, and her mother-my niece. for custody. unfortunately my niece keeps putting herself in violent relationships. the reasons are unknown to us other than from my experience that is all she knows at the moment could be one reason. the reasons for each woman in domestic violence is as many as there are women there. i can only speak for myself. i was only a child. if you see these women, offer your heart and hand. if not then, but maybe one day, they will get out. and remember the children too. they need your help too....right now i'm in humility for all these women and children....take a moment and say a prayer too.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I Am There

I Am There

Do you need Me?
I am there.
You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by.
You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.
You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.

I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.
I am at work, though you do not understand My works.
I am not strange visions. I am not mysteries.

Only in absolute stillness, behond self, can you know Me
as I AM, and then but as a feeling and a faith.

Yet I am here. Yet I hear. Yet I answer.
When you need ME, I am there.
Even if you deny Me, I am there.
Even when you feel most alone, I am there.
Even in your fears, I am there.
Even in your pain, I am there.

I am there when you pray and when you do not pray. I am in you, and you are in Me. Only in your mind can you feel separate from Me, for only in your mind are the mists of "yours" and "mine". Yet only with your mind can you know Me and experience Me.

Empty your heart of empty fears. When you get yourself out of the way, I am there. You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all. And IAM in all.

Though you may not see the good, good is there, for I am there. I am there because I have to be, because I AM.

Only in me does the world have meaning; only out of Me does the world take form; only because of ME does the world go forward. I am the law on which the movement of the stars and the growth of living cells are founded.

I am the love that is the law's fulfilling. I am assurance. I am peace. I am oneness. I am the law that you can live by. I am the love that you can cling to. I am your assurance. I am your peace. I am ONE with you. I am.

Though you fail to find ME, i do not fail you. Though your faith in Me is unsure, My faith in you never wavers, because I know you, because I love you.

Beloved, I am there.

this is a repost from my aol journal. as i retyped it here, it had a different presence than when i originally posted it. for those new to my journal, this was placed on the moon when we landed there. i got this in my Foundations class at church 4yrs ago. it takes on new meaning for me each time i read it. although initially read often, now it is from time to time, a reminder that Spirit is there for me.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


well, i went to pre-op today for my cataract surgery. watched a video. asked the doc a question or two. she reminded me that with my surgery there's about a 10% risk of complications because of trauma. she's going to do the surgery herself because of that. she'll have an assistant, but she'll do the surgery. either in the video or the consent form, it informed me that often assistants are in the last year of the surgery schooling and will do the surgery. but Dr. Bagga said she'll do mine in case of complications. i also have to stay awake during it. they don't want people falling asleep because we could wake up and jerk our head spontaneously. i told her to keep me awake because even sometimes my current meds make me drowsy. the surgery will last 45mins-1hr lying flat on my back. i'll have to practice laying on my back the next couple weeks since i usually curl up on my side. but there shouldn't be a problem. the whole idea put a damper on my spirits today, but i'm fine. it was nice to come home and read some of your journals to take my mind off things. i also went to Walmart to get a scarecrow for the front to lighten my spirits. i'm in a creative mood right now and would love to spend tomorrow workin' on my photos only. but that's not possible. i've got homework to finish for class thursday night. lots of reading mostly, then write a prayer. but i did pick up more note cards for more photo note kards of mine. just yesterday i printed photos from the balloon fiesta, my fall foliage, and the maize maze event. i have some really good fall foliage photos which you have seen some. hopefully i haven't duplicated in posting the same fall foliage here. i'm going to send one note kard to Rev Lynn to thank her for being here a few weeks ago. the winner of the position is at large and i'll have to wait at least another week for results. i did hear we may know a winner as soon as this sunday evening. so maybe by monday i'll know who our new minister will be. if it's a close race, then it may take a few days for the board to make a decision. whenever the decision is, it's not soon
the top photo posted here is a view seen as you drive thru the Jemez mountains, and i think they are part of those mountains. i'm sure it's more beautiful with the mountains snow capped. i haven't been back there during the winter. i know it snows lots there and just having the snow here with the Sandias is enough for me. i love snow, but i don't miss trekking in it even with a 4wheel drive. it is less the snow than it is New Mexico drivers. they still drive like it's dry pavement on the snow packed roads. it's just simply too dangerous to be on those roads. so i stay off them as much as possible. ...anyways, the weather here lately has been absolutely beautiful. i'd love to get in another bike ride soon. i haven't been riding lately and today watching other riders gave me the itch. so maybe early next week, unless the weather changes drastically. we are in the 70s during the day and not too cool at night. thought sure it was going to stay cold last week when we had it. but next week is Halloween and the cool weather starts howlin' in. we'll see. Change is good. Change like the seasons i say. there's a better tomorrow on the horizon.

Monday, October 20, 2008

a little swipe

hello again...
today i went to get some photos printed. some of the Balloon Fiesta, my Jemez Mtns fall foliage and of course our adventure int he maze this weekend. as i was telling Marsha bout doin' that, she asked that i enlarge the photo posted here. i had forgotten about it and knew i'd come across it once i looked at the photos to choose to print. of course Marsha and i talked about all the photos we are taking of Madison and how embarrassed she'll be once she's but Marsha said that's all we really get to do...O goodness...well i caught Madison just in time to swiping her nose. when i was shooting the photo i thought maybe her nose was just itchin'. needless to say in the 8x10 enlargement, it was very clear she had a running nose. i had just turned my head towards Madison when she was doing this and quickly snapped the camera with no time to adjust to get more of her head. i just wanted to catch the spontaneous moment in action as i prefer doing, and this is what i got. she tickles me pink, she's soooo cute....
in the meantime, her Grammy, Marsha, is finally realizing that we women can do almost anything a man can do. we were talking about her furnace on saturday and she made a statement to that affect. when i first met Marsha her only response always was to find a man to do the "manly" work. i don't know if it's been because she's been hanging out with me or coupled with other things in her life, but she's waking up to realizing women can do it too. i just fixed the handle on the toilet. that was a piece of cake. i'll relay that event to Marsha this afternoon, just so i can keep letting her know we can do it. the handle today was nothing, but it was a small reminded how i like to doodle with things at times around the house. it's nice to know i can handle it without calling the landlord. and i'm into empowering women to do whatever they desire, no matter what it is, i say GO FOR IT!!!
now, this afternoon i stopped by the church for a moment. first i got a card from Rev Marty, the male candidate for our ministry. another thank you note from one of the candidates. i also got a card from Rev Lynn, the first candidate to arrive at our door steps. in conversation this afternoon with a couple other people, i recognized that i need to stay with my first choice of candidate which is Rev Lynn. that came on the heels of waking up this mornin with her in my heart. the conversation surrounded all three candidates and something someone else said brought back to me how powerfully impressed i was by Rev Lynn and what she would bring to our church. i'm already in the midst of making a thank you card for her note. i'll let her know she's still in my prayers to be our minister. i have no clue really who will win the job offer, but i pray it is someone who well grounded spiritually of which i don't think one of the candidates was. of course you know this already. the suspense may kill i will say my prayers daily. Rev Marty's card came at the right moment, right time today. i had let go the angst i had regarding him. the card may help me should he get to be minister. i hadn't expected any of the candidates to remember me, but they all have. being there for the entire weekend(s) while they were there, i guess they got to know me a little. God bless them all. I know Divine right action is taking place.

my daughter-in-law

just a quick introduction to my daughter-in-law. i finally downloaded a couple photos from his myspace account. i have yet to meet her. my phone conversation with her last night has been the longest i've talked to her. she's seems rather intelligent which is something Kyle needs. he sometimes needs someone to spell things out for him, but i love him anyways. the baby is due May 24th i learned last night. i had planned to go to the Grand Canyon about that time, but i'll be in Arkansas instead. i'll call her once a week to help her thru this time while he's in Iraq. it'll help me too keep track of him and ease my own worries. i'm already thinking about him daily, but i know he's fine is some small sense of a way. he is also happy to be guarding post in lieu of doing missions. he knows he has a family to take care of now. i'll continue my prayers for him, her and the baby. Life is changing, not just for them, but me too. you're right Julia, i can't wait to be a grandma!!!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

update on my son:-)

i just talked to my daughter-in-law. she's heard from Kyle and he's headed back to where he was before over there, guarding a post. a prison to be exact. i'm relieved. i now know he won't be doing missions up & down the roads of Iraq. although not entirely safe from all harm, but far less exposed to the dangers. he'll call when he can. she's bought him a phone card so he can call home from time to time. i guess this means he won't have his own phone. but if i can know even thru Erma, his wife, how he is doing and that he is alive, i'll be ok. i also told her i'll be calling her to check on her and baby. before Kyle left he told me that she will be getting out of the Army herself now that she's pregnant. she went into the detail of all that tonite. at the moment she's guessing she'll be getting out after december sometime. the Army has it's own way of dealing with pregnant soldiers, and so it's just a matter of time. once she gets out, she's stopping here on the way home to Arkansas. she's due May 24th. i pray the pregnancy goes well and the baby arrives safely. so far so good and that's all that matters right now. i'm lookin' forward to being a grandma:-)...anyways, i can sleep well tonite knowing Kyle is safe at the moment. God bless our troops! God bless the USA!

just playin'

so, i'm just playin here with photos
and space..i've shrunk the photos and i'm just writin away about nothings while watchin' my Red Sox anyways, these are more photos from yesterday and our time together. i would think of Madison today and laugh. she's such a delight in my life as you already know. what a blessing she is and i can't say enough about her. i must go see her again soon. probably at her Grammy's house (Marsha's) where i think all of her cars are there. in visiting Marsha's house yesterday, there were nothing but cars of all sizes all over her patio. i laughed knowing it was Madison's own little play area as it usually is....

so, today we had our last ministeral candidate on the podium. she gave a great talk and she was dynamic in the question and answer. after it was all over i pondered some of what she said. she won me over. her spiritual practices included a position of humility every mornin and night on her knees. i loved that. she knows humility, something i've experienced myself. i think it good that we humble ourselves sometime during our journey in life here. it allows us the connection to others that we wouldn't ever experience without humility. i also like what she said about "praying to" God. in our philosophy it is not in our principles to do so. we pray from an affirmative place from within. but in my own personal journey with God, i pray "to" The Source often at times and it works, just as Rev Julie said today. why we must restrict ourselves to one way is beyond me and NOT part of my spiritual practice. also as i was reading some homework for my practitioner class, i wasn't totally agreeing with what was said. i understood it, but i've also learned that we can talk to God anyway we want, and i mean anyway. so these two thoughts from Rev Julie as well a few more really won my vote. now for only our congregation to hear her, or even the other woman candidate. i just flat out don't want a comedian for a my Boston Red Sox are down by 2 runs now and it's the 7th inning. but there is plenty game left. who wins tonite is not upmost important on my mind. just a way to wind down the evening after a day at church. my heart has been filled today with Rev Julie's presence. this week i'll say my prayers for the right minister to be chosen. next week we compare all 3 candidates and vote. then it'll be hopefully no more than one more week after that when we know our choice. it's a democratic process which is a good thing. yet i don't always agree with the presidential elections. i'm not going to necessarily agree with the new minister. i'll keep you posted. my heart has been opened more so lately and i hope it stays that way. one change can make all the difference in that. until we meet again...i give you my blessings!

the maize maze

so yesterday, Marsha, her daughter Diana, Madison & I went to the Rio Grande Community Farm for the annual Maize Maze they have each year. this was the first i had ever heard of it and no clue we had this farm. we were given free tickets to us by Marsha's boyfriend. so off we went. it was a fun filled day with lots of laughter. there were a few arts & crafts there which we visited on the way out. the field wasn't big, but we got lost anyways thru the we let Madison lead the way. initially i carried her on my back until she got antsy and wanted out. from there she walked the rest of the way. there "were" signs to give us clues on how to get thru the maze, but the night before the field hand been vandalized and they took all but a couple signs down. we found the first clue and off we went. there were two mazes to choose from, a short and a long one. we chose the short but ended up on the long maze. as we meandered in the maze we kept asking Madison which way to go. she'd point and say "go" and off we went. we kept trying to follow the trail although we did run into a few dead ends. Madison played with stalks along the way just having a blast. Diana got a little anxious and was afraid we wouldn't get out. but Marsha & I reassured her we would. if nothing else we'd walk straight thru the fields and get us out. we did a few rare times do just that to find the right trail to exit. about the time we were giving up, we ran into a family just entering on the long maze entrance. we only had to follow from whence they came and alas we were out. once we were out we headed back to the beginning and the arts& crafts. by then my blisters were hurting...i had bought new desert boots last month but had yet to break them in for hiking or carrying Madison on my back....once back to the arts, we discovered a little maze created out of bales of hay which we introduced to Madison. she had a blast there. she didn't want to come out when it was time to go. Marsha had great joy with Madison all day. she made us laugh often with her pure delight and fun she was having. O to be like a child again would be such bliss! no worries, no cares, just pure freedom in the moment of hearty laughter and play....all in all it was a great day! Madison is contagious:-)

in the meantime, i was reminded that my Boston Red Sox were playing last night. i had forgotten and made plans to see the UNM Women's Volleyball team play last night. well i had to call my friend back and cancel. I don't get to see my Red Sox play often and last night was a DO or DIE situation. well we won!!! will still on our comeback trail to the World Series. we've done it before, we can do it again. i'll be working tonite when the game begins, but i'll be home in time to watch most of it. last nite's game was exciting, but not as exciting as it was thursday nite which i had to read about in the aol news (i had class that nite). so i anxiously await for tonite's game...

in the meantime, today i'll be at church for the last ministeral candidate's talk and working this afternoon. this minister search has truly been an eye opener for me about our congregants. i'm anxious for our final input as to who our minister should be-that happens next sunday. i'm really curious of what i'll find out about our church once we offer the job to someone. there is one candidate i definitely don't want to get the job yet a lot of people liked him. he had a great sense of humor, but he was too funny to me. there were other concerns surrounding him that bothered me. the two women have been very down to earth among other more positive attributes. so, i'll have to wait. who the next minister is "may" affect my decision in becoming a practitioner. as practitioners we are to support our minister. at this moment i could not do that with the funny man. time will write the story as time unfolds...i'll keep you have a wonderful day today! it is a blessed and beautiful time.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

balloon fiesta video

so i found a way to make a video of all my balloon fiesta photos . these are most all of them anyways. grab a cup of coffee and enjoy!...ok first i don't know how the music got attached to it but it did, and it repeats itself so you might want to turn the volume down. secondly after watchin this video it took about 30mins to get thru all the photos before it started over...just a heads up!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

grand canyon update

so i came to a point this afternoon, i had nowhere i "had" to be. nothing that i "had" to do. and all kinds of time on my hands. alas, it's play ....but there's always house chores to do..bah, the real reason for this entry was to give you an update about my future Grand Canyon trip. i just learned last week that's there's another way to do the canyon, sorta. a woman in my class said her and her daughter i believe just hiked into the canyon and stayed at Phantom Ranch at the bottom. they hired a mule to carry their packs down there and just hiked into it without a 30lb backpack on their backs. how cool is that! so i called the Backcountry Infomation office there and sure enough one can do that. the only problem at the moment, Phantom Ranch is booked for 13months in advance. so, no problem with me. i'll still camp out there and just hire the mule to carry the backpack down & back up. it sure beats me doing it, although by the time i'm ready if a mule isn't available, i'll go ahead and pack it in myself. so, all this new information leads me into thinking that come next May, i'll be taking that trail, which is the time of the year i'd prefer. i won't need to buy a new sleepin bag for that time a year-already have one. i can just carry a small daypack on my back for munchies and water, and i'll be good to go. this will also be much better for my ailing knee. i'm lovin' this latest news and will begin the planning of that come January. in the meantime, hopefully starting monday i can get my conditioning going again, like riding my bicyle i bought as well as hiking. i'm taking this saturday off from working at the church. i'm going to cut back my hours there and work every other saturday versus every saturday. this will give me more free time for homework, house chores and exercise. i'm so much more confident right now about my money affairs too. just took care of something yesterday via an attorney and paid one bill off today. i am patiently perservering thru my financial woes climbing out of my debt. come february i'll be almost out of the tunnel. i have less worry and stress right now and i'm loving it!

now, for these balloon fiesta photos. i hope i haven't repeated any photos. i have so many i'm losing track. the striped guys photo'd are the "referees". i don't remember their exact title, but these are the guys who let the pilots know when they can take off while also blow their whistles to let the crowd know and move people out of the way for take off. both men and women do this and they're all over the field directing the other guy photo'd, is a typical hat sold and worn at the fiesta (for those who like these hats). there are other hats typically worn too especially designed for the fiesta. people come to the fiesta annually collecting pins and/or patches. usually those wearing them are part of a chase crew, specifically assigned to one balloon. it all makes for a colorful fiesta. but anyone can collect pins and patches. i started many years ago to collect the patches, but didn't follow thru every year i was out there. every year i go out there, i want a souvenir of sorts, but usually keep my cash in my pocket. and this year i finally found a poster i wanted to purchase but didnt' get back to it, darn it. and did i tell you i met another photographer out there? anyways, after looking at her photos, i want to start doing more with my photos. think i'll start enlarging a few and frame them for sell. will attempt to sell them at church too if they let me....i'm feelin great today (aside my little rant about the p.o). Life is only gettin' better!

another day at the p.o.

so, i'm out & about runnin' errands. payin' bills actually. coming out of one place, someone grabs me from behind. it's Patrick from the p.o. a fellow co-worker of mine. he had only been with the p.o. about 2yrs before i retired. he's now the shop steward and we began to talk the latest of what's happening there. again more horror stories. there's a reason for the coined term "gone postal". again management being the bullies and dictators they are with no conscience. and they've gone thru 5 managers at my old station since i left 2 1/2yrs ago. waaaaay too many. there are a few fellow co-workers that management is needling in attempts to fire these guys. again, the shop stewards have the Disabilities Act that i gave them protecting my comrades from termination. the p.o. is a war zone in my opinion. it's a daily battle ground between carrier and management. they rode my ass daily before i retired. those with "weaknesses" they tend to go after quicker than a heart beat, than others. and so they continue their assanine ways. things went from worse to horrendous when upper management changed our districts. continually trying, and succeeding at times, ridding themselves of personnel while overburdening the remaining craft. it's always, daily, a push push push for more in less hours. they don't know when to quit with menial criticism and harassment. and they wonder why people go postal. then they want to whitewash it all. it's a sham. i've kept my mouth shut long enough about the p.o. not anymore. granted it paid my bills and fed me for 20yrs, but i still get rather perturbed when i hear of what's still going on there. i feel for my brothers and sisters there. they are still my co-workers although i'm retired. they deserve better. i have a friend who went into management and i love her dearly. she was once a carrier and i pray she at least has a conscience and compassion in dealing with her employees. not all management is alike, but it is the rare few good supervisors and managers that actually get the opportunity to manage. most are on such power trips i think and it is detrimental to everyone else. Patrick is young and has the strength to endure this better. i was able to endure it despite the illness although it was 10 times more difficult with it. i pray that one day, management will wake up and own their responibilities in their effects to the employees. i pray it doesn't take another one truly gone postal before it happens. it's as if all those fatalies across our nation didn't even happen. when will they learn?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

cloudy day...

a little cool and dreary today it began with rain somewhere in the night it continued til about noon today making for an almost cold mornin. fall is definitely here now and mid-October is usually the time for real fall weather. but i welcome it. tomorrow the sun will come out again, not like today where it only peeked in for a few minutes. once i had my breakfast i was ready for a nap, and nap i did right before workin at Jen's office. once i got some more caffeine in me, i was fine. i'm all ready to study my homework for class. i hope to finish it tonite...and hopefully before my Red Sox play tonite. i caught part of the game where we got our asses kicked. we need to pull ourselves out of it tonite or we will be in on the cusp of ending our season. they're up against the Rays who have been outstanding this year. so we'll see what happens...

so anyways, i wanted to make a brief note on the fatal balloon accident that occured here a few days ago. i hadn't heard any details on it until last nite while chatting online with a friend. apparently the balloon got caught in some wires and the gandula (the basket) through the pilot and his passenger out. the balloon burned. the men were thrown into an arroyo which could have been cemented. anyways, the pilot was killed on impact and the other guy was unconscious. i have yet to hear further details on his recovery. there have only been a handful of fatal balloon accidents in the 20yrs i've lived here, but they do happen. as i understand it, the pilot doesn't have complete control over the balloon. a lot of their direction is determined by the wind and how much gas they have in their tanks (it lasts only so long). in my younger days i always wanted to ride in one of the balloons. as i've gotten older and know a little more, i'm not sure i'll do it. incidents as these are discouraging. so anyways, just wanted to update you on this...

think i'm off for a beer now. i just need to chill for awhile. all the excitement and energy surrounding our ministeral candidates is wearing me out. the next two days i'm off from work all together. i'm going to take advantage of the time. Marsha and I (and maybe her daughter and Madison) will be walking a corn maze tomorrow weather permitting. it's been postponed twice due to rain. i pray for a sunshining day manana!!!

Monday, October 13, 2008

he called...

as i crawled into bed last nite, my son called. thank goodness. thank you Kyle. he reports at noon time today but he figures the plane won't take off until about 2-3am tuesday morn. he said he really doesn't know what he'll be doing once he gets there. he doesn't know often what he's doin'. i don't know if that's the Army or just him not up to date on things. i'm figuring a little bit of both. i know the Army treats its soldiers differently than the other branch of services. i learned that while in the Air Force and my overseas travel. although i had thought about joining the Army, i'm happy i chose otherwise since seeing and hearing about how the Army is. God bless them anyways. they're serving our country and making a living too. anyways, i'm so thankful he called. i pray he can get another phone while he's over there. that's how we stayed in touch the last tour of duty there. one of us would call the other every week, sometimes every other week. the call would only last 5-10mins, but hey it let me know he was alive. he's not a writer. he doesn't write letters. so a phone call is a blessing. i'll get more gray hairs while he's gone, but i really don't give a damn. maybe i'll start dyeing it again. that's not really important. his safety is my concern. i'm proud of him for serving our country and wanting to serve in Iraq, but it's hard knowing he's there. i'll say my prayers and hope for the best. i also put a pray in at church. we have practitioners who do prayer treatments over prayer requests from the congregants. It is all good. i know he'll be fine in the grander scheme of God. it is his journey in life and he needs to live it as he chooses. i'm in with him all the way. he'll be even more in my heart as he serves our country....

now, as i sit having my brew, there's a chill in the air. i woke to it yesterday morn. i had to pull out the jacket. although it really warmed up yesterday, the chill returned last nite. so i'll pull out the mink blanket (something left by an ex a long time ago). with the mink blanket i don't have to put the heat on just yet. it'll be another month before i turn it on. i need to dress in layers so i can peel them once it warms up during the day. it's still in the 70s during the afternoon. still t-shirt weather. but for now i'll enjoy the briskly cool mornings with a jacket...for now, i have Boo barking in my ear. must let her outside...and it's time for that second cup of coffee.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

a mother's love

i sit patiently waiting for the phone to ring. i realized today is the 12th. tomorrow my son leaves for Iraq, a second tour. this time for at least a year. he'll be on "missions" he said moving about. my worse thought is he'll be more exposed to gunfire than the last tour. but this is what he desires. he wants to serve in Iraq. so as i realize today's signifance, i always recognize he hasn't called. so i called. called his wife for his number has already been disconnected. i passed the message on. he's to get his ass on the phone and call me or i'm coming to Iraq and going to kick it. these are the words of wisdom i use with him at times. it's his language. he can relate. but an hour has come and gone and no phone call. i know his priority is his wife now (which btw, she and baby are fine), but it doesn't stop me from worrying about him. for God's sake he's going to Iraq! if it was anywhere else, except Afghanistan maybe, i wouldn't worry at all. it's not a move just down the block or another state. it's into the war zone that continues there. God bless him and our troops for serving over there, but please come home safely. please say a prayer for him and his buddies. may they all make it home safe and sound....

in the meantime, 2 ministerial candidates have come & gone. one more to go. all the energy surrounding this process is wearing me out. it's exciting yet stressful too. i affirm we will choose the best of the candidates, but i have my worries too. this is like a presidential election. everyone choosing from simple things to the depth of the individual. it'll be interesting who will win. i'm ready for things to quiet down again. one more weekend and then we get on to the decision making...

i shall go for a hike tomorrow. i need the noursishment from Nature, a reflection of God's unconditional love and pure essence...

p.s. I saw Jesse today. i haven't seen him in a couple weeks. i almost cried when i saw him but i didn't thankfully. he's got such great strength and i admire his courage and determination to continue on despite the cancer....anyways, it's been an emotionally weekend for me for varioius reasons. i'm gonna let the tears flow...

special shapes balloons

ok, here are a few special shapes balloons.
i just learned that i can only load 5 photos at one time on here. o well. anyways, there are numerous special shape balloons and for a couple mornings they have just these balloons going up, a special shapes rodeo...i didn't make it back out for this event as i had planned. but there is always next year. today is the last day of the fiesta for this year. won't make it there today either. rest has been needed as well as attention to my house before church today. a little tidying up will go a long way for anyways, the following is the Balloonist's Prayer. there's a second version as well which is basically the same just worded in the past tense.

The Balloonists' Prayer
May the winds wecome you with softness. May the sun bless you with his warm hands. May you fly so high and so well, that God joins you in laughter and sets you gently back into the loving arms of Mother Earth.

a short note..the cow to the right is HUGE. she is the size of 3 or more balloons put together. but she's one of my favs to see every year. when i first arrived in Albq 20yrs ago, there was a polar bear just as huge and Beautiful. i haven't seen it since. The Polar Bear is my all time favorite. i have a photo of it somwhere? maybe i can get it scanned and show it to you one day.... not included in these photos were also Nemo, an angel, Wells Fargo stagecoach, a witch, a buffalo, bumble bees, and a space man. those are what i saw on wednesday.

to view ALL my balloon fiesta photos, go to my myspace account once you get there under my photo is "View My:" right next to it is "Pics" you may not be able to see the word "Pics" because it's blue but put your cursor over it and it'll show click on "Pics" and all my albums will come up most all my photos are stored there. The Balloon Fiesta album is toward the bottom. once you click on it all photos will show. you can click on one of the photos and it will enlarge for you, then you can click on "Next" in the upper right hand corner and see all the photos enlarged one at a time, if you'd like...and view any other albums if you'd like.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Peace Be unto thee, Stranger

Peace be unto thee, stranger, enter and be not afraid.
I have left the gate open and thou art welcome to my home.
There is room in my houe for all.
I have swept the hearth and lighted the fire.
The room is warm and cheerful and you will find comfort and rest within.
The table is laid and the fruits of LIfe are spread before thee.
The wine is here also, it sparkles in the light.
I have set a chair for you where the sunbeams dance through the shade.
Sit and rest and refresh your soul.
Eat of the fruit and drink the wine.
All, all is yours, and you are welcome.

Friday, October 10, 2008

chlolesterol is down!

as i said, yesterday was a WONDERFUL day...being so tired last nite, i failed to mention some good news from my doc. i saw my psychriatrist yesterday who is at the VA. i get all my medical at the VA. so she has access to all my files and usually with our visits she'll look over notes from my therapist and other more recent medical issues happening with me. she thoroughly checks on me and i love it!

so i asked her to look up my recent blood work for my cholesteral. it's way down from last year. last year i think it was at 335. this time it's 207. i have no idea what i've done differently, but hey i'll keep it up. the only changes i've made the past 2 years was begin the hiking on a regular basis and consume alcohol a little more often too. i wonder if it

s the wine. they say it's good for your heart. who knows? maybe......also i did ask her about my cataract surgery and if there'd be any effect on my meds with the anesthetic. she said there shouldnt be. it's the blood thinners like aspirin, ibuprofen and such that concerns her. but there's not going to be any blood invovled in the cataract surgery. so that relieved some worry on my part. taking pain meds including ibuprofen at high dosages has interfered with my psyche meds and i just don't like the feeling. soooo happy there's not going to be a problem:-)

so anyways, these are a few of the photos i took on the way to the Jemez mountains. these are in the inky dinky town of San Ysidro a beautiful scenic view on the way...

on the way to the Jemez i bought another God & Marsha know how much i don't need a shirt...anyways, i went into buy a new pair of Levi's so i wouldn't buy that shirt at Bandelier i saw the other day that is soooo beautiful. for $60 i figured i could buy 2 pair of Levis for that price. well lo & behold on the way out of the store, i saw a shirt, thermal at that. but i loved the expression on it which says: FREEDOM TO LIVE, FREEDOM IS THE RIGHT TO LIVE AS WE WISH... so i bought it! but boy did it come in handy when i got to the mountains. i drove the jeep with the windows down(i didn't ride my bike on this's easier to jump in & out of my jeep to take photos than to jump off & on my bike donning my helmet constantly) so anyways, the cold mountain blew. it was refreshing but cold. i love drivng with my windows down in my jeep even in frigid weather at times. it's the closest thing to having no top like my previous Jeep Wrangler. it's 4wheelin at it's best. get out in nature and feel the wind and elements! i love my jeep as much as my bike. just don't drive it much since having the bike. hopefully next spring i'll get it out for some 4wheelin fun. patience is a virture. i know that will come altogether at the right moment at the right time.