Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
so i did go to the mountains. i took a hike. found my rock and was trying to meditate. just as i feel i'm about in a deep meditation while lying on my back, i feel something in my face. i open my eyes and it's a dog...lol goodness, no meditation today. so i hiked back down. the dog was fine, just checking me out since he had run ahead of his owner. i just laughed and got up. i came down to a hot fudge sundae. while sitting for awhile after the sundae, i realized i was hung over a bit. i had drank a beer at Marsha's last nite. a beer type i hadn't ever drank. i have no idea how much alcohol content it had, but feeling lethargic as i was today, i'd say more than what i'm accustom to. as long as the hangover is gone tomorrow, i'll be fine. i feel better this evening than i did last night, but the hurt is still there. time will heal my wound. i'm just too close to the situation to be totally objective at the moment. i'm far better since talking with Rev Julie. i may take tomorrow totally off too although i have class tomorrow night (prac 1). there's a new dawn on the horizon. another day of adventure and treasures to find. coffee in the morn with some friends will start the day off right. i listen to my music. it heals my soul. i'll lose myself in it while watchin the World Series. it's been another learning experience...Life is a journey, not a destination.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
needless to say i'm in shock as well as furious as hell. i know all the details surrounding this and it just isn't justified. and Rev Julie was only last weekend telling us about Margaret Wheatley's study stating that the churches are the meanest to each other. now granted Marsha began thinking of resigning a few days ago. and granted Marsha saw this coming, but i'm still in shock. and furious. my issue is the cruelty, the ludicrous reason(s) for firing her. the inhumane action on the part of the board. the church "politics" at hand in this...the total bull behind all this. i could go on and on, but you get the idea. with her firing, and my anger, i'm ready to walk with her. i just may do that. i'm asking myself do i want to stay with a church that is doing what they're doing. stuff like this is why i quit going to church when i was a teenager. i figured i could handle the "politics" and so that's why i took the job there. but this is outrageous. i'll be contemplating all this in the next few days or so. i will talk to my mentor tomorrow...i went to Marsha's as soon as i was done at the office. Marsha seemed to be handling it better than me. again she was ready to resign. we chatted. i had a beer to chill me out. but i'm still fuming quietly here at my place now. i know these situations are core issues within me, so i need to figure out if and how i'll deal with them for my own peace of mind. in the days to come i'll know. there are other jobs out there. hell i'd even consider going back to the convenience store-at least i know i'd get hire there. i must talk to my mentor...so off to bed i'll go and sleep on this....when i mean leave the church, that would include everything i'm a part of there right now=hiking coordinator and practitioner class and facilities assistant coordinator...there's got to be a better way of living...may God guide me in the right direction at this moment...
i have no idea who Confuscious is, or even if i'm spelling his name right. just using the say for CONFUSION right now. the above quote was under confusion and i really like it. there is some confusion in my life and has been for quite some time. i have asked myself whether to just live the confusion and let it be or do i really try and figure it out. this quote above speaks volumes to me. i'm going to let it be. live it. and know that the answer will come to me one day. i did get a bit of clarity with it yesterday. for however long i have felt i did something so wrong. that living in the gay life was WRONG. i didn't use to think that way, but somewhere along the way i accepted this to be true. then someone said i was living in decadence for it. well lo & behold i finally went to the damn dictionary for the word decadence. something about a decline i.e. morals, etc. well hogwash. morals are only right and wrongs. Truth with a capital T, in a grander understanding there is no right or wrong, good or bad, good and evil. there is only God, only Life. Life IS. now i know some people may disagree with me on this and that's perfectly fine. right and wrong is duality among other things. my thoughts are my philosophy and beliefs i've come to know is true. to know it from within my heart after much reasoning and contemplation. my "wrong" for being gay started over a decade ago, if not really two or more decades ago. it's only now that i can sort this minor detail out. my sexuality is my CONFUSION. gay or bisexual. that has been my question for a very long time. i haven't spent a lot of time deciding on that. it just hasnt' and isn't that important to me. i am no more my sexuality than i am my illness. those are only ASPECTS of myself. who i am is what comes from my heart and my intergrity. i've come to again realize i have such a love for women that just won't go away and i will no longer struggle to make it do so. it just aint happening. and that love does not come from a sexual place within me. it comes from my soul, my heart, my very Being. why people are gay is unknown to us as it is unknow to the rest of the world. i don't have the answer and i haven't met anyone else who has-except Ramtha, and i'm not sure i'm accepting all of his understanding to that. i am attracted to men too, but i have yet in a very loooooong time had that heart felt connection to them. my journey is my journey and i've been on this course of my sexuality since i was 18 and i had my first relatioship with a woman. i've dated both men and women throughout the years. for the past 4-5yrs i have dated no one. and so i remain single and celibate which i am happy with. should someone come along who totally sweeps me off my feet, and it'll have to be someone awfully SPECIAL, i will continue my journey alone spending times with my friends and family. i have no regrets with my course. it is has given me great wisdom. there is no reason to feel guilty about it anymore. Life is sweet..a bowl of strawberries....thank you my friends for listening.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
the skillet is dusty. i haven't used in months. i wash it and cook my eggs. breakfast was delightful. homemade. i contemplate humility and what does it really mean. a moment ago i read Indigo's story a little more. i am humble by her experience. although i have my own story with domestic violence, it is not as painful as hers or others. i now know why she Screams Quietly(see sidebar for her journal) i did the same. my scars still exist and will always be there. even when i have forgiven, the scars don't go away. it may not be as painful anymore, but there is still pain. there is wisdom in those experiences. it helped shape me into who i am today. i talk about it so little. it's too painful. at times my scars are triggered so easily and for a moment i'm back in those moments so long ago. now i am blessed with a better life, enjoying it as it unfolds. i still struggle from my inner self, but i get better with time. as the quote said, we are made of layers. there are even more layers to know and learn. i still need to continue to learn to love myself so that one day i feel whole, perfect, and complete. the journey is long, but worth every step....the little girl pictured is my great niece. at the moment there is a struggle with my sister, her grandma, and her mother-my niece. for custody. unfortunately my niece keeps putting herself in violent relationships. the reasons are unknown to us other than from my experience that is all she knows at the moment could be one reason. the reasons for each woman in domestic violence is as many as there are women there. i can only speak for myself. i was only a child. if you see these women, offer your heart and hand. if not then, but maybe one day, they will get out. and remember the children too. they need your help too....right now i'm in humility for all these women and children....take a moment and say a prayer too.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Do you need Me?
I am there.
You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by.
You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.
You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.
I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.
I am at work, though you do not understand My works.
I am not strange visions. I am not mysteries.
Only in absolute stillness, behond self, can you know Me
as I AM, and then but as a feeling and a faith.
Yet I am here. Yet I hear. Yet I answer.
When you need ME, I am there.
Even if you deny Me, I am there.
Even when you feel most alone, I am there.
Even in your fears, I am there.
Even in your pain, I am there.
I am there when you pray and when you do not pray. I am in you, and you are in Me. Only in your mind can you feel separate from Me, for only in your mind are the mists of "yours" and "mine". Yet only with your mind can you know Me and experience Me.
Empty your heart of empty fears. When you get yourself out of the way, I am there. You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all. And IAM in all.
Though you may not see the good, good is there, for I am there. I am there because I have to be, because I AM.
Only in me does the world have meaning; only out of Me does the world take form; only because of ME does the world go forward. I am the law on which the movement of the stars and the growth of living cells are founded.
I am the love that is the law's fulfilling. I am assurance. I am peace. I am oneness. I am the law that you can live by. I am the love that you can cling to. I am your assurance. I am your peace. I am ONE with you. I am.
Though you fail to find ME, i do not fail you. Though your faith in Me is unsure, My faith in you never wavers, because I know you, because I love you.
Beloved, I am there.
this is a repost from my aol journal. as i retyped it here, it had a different presence than when i originally posted it. for those new to my journal, this was placed on the moon when we landed there. i got this in my Foundations class at church 4yrs ago. it takes on new meaning for me each time i read it. although initially read often, now it is from time to time, a reminder that Spirit is there for me.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
the top photo posted here is a view seen as you drive thru the Jemez mountains, and i think they are part of those mountains. i'm sure it's more beautiful with the mountains snow capped. i haven't been back there during the winter. i know it snows lots there and just having the snow here with the Sandias is enough for me. i love snow, but i don't miss trekking in it even with a 4wheel drive. it is less the snow than it is New Mexico drivers. they still drive like it's dry pavement on the snow packed roads. it's just simply too dangerous to be on those roads. so i stay off them as much as possible. ...anyways, the weather here lately has been absolutely beautiful. i'd love to get in another bike ride soon. i haven't been riding lately and today watching other riders gave me the itch. so maybe early next week, unless the weather changes drastically. we are in the 70s during the day and not too cool at night. thought sure it was going to stay cold last week when we had it. but next week is Halloween and the cool weather starts howlin' in. we'll see. Change is good. Change like the seasons i say. there's a better tomorrow on the horizon.
Monday, October 20, 2008
today i went to get some photos printed. some of the Balloon Fiesta, my Jemez Mtns fall foliage and of course our adventure int he maze this weekend. as i was telling Marsha bout doin' that, she asked that i enlarge the photo posted here. i had forgotten about it and knew i'd come across it once i looked at the photos to choose to print. of course Marsha and i talked about all the photos we are taking of Madison and how embarrassed she'll be once she's older...lol but Marsha said that's all we really get to do...O goodness...well i caught Madison just in time to swiping her nose. when i was shooting the photo i thought maybe her nose was just itchin'. needless to say in the 8x10 enlargement, it was very clear she had a running nose. i had just turned my head towards Madison when she was doing this and quickly snapped the camera with no time to adjust to get more of her head. i just wanted to catch the spontaneous moment in action as i prefer doing, and this is what i got. she tickles me pink, she's soooo cute....
in the meantime, her Grammy, Marsha, is finally realizing that we women can do almost anything a man can do. we were talking about her furnace on saturday and she made a statement to that affect. when i first met Marsha her only response always was to find a man to do the "manly" work. i don't know if it's been because she's been hanging out with me or coupled with other things in her life, but she's waking up to realizing women can do it too. i just fixed the handle on the toilet. that was a piece of cake. i'll relay that event to Marsha this afternoon, just so i can keep letting her know we can do it. the handle today was nothing, but it was a small reminded how i like to doodle with things at times around the house. it's nice to know i can handle it without calling the landlord. and i'm into empowering women to do whatever they desire, no matter what it is, i say GO FOR IT!!!
now, this afternoon i stopped by the church for a moment. first i got a card from Rev Marty, the male candidate for our ministry. another thank you note from one of the candidates. i also got a card from Rev Lynn, the first candidate to arrive at our door steps. in conversation this afternoon with a couple other people, i recognized that i need to stay with my first choice of candidate which is Rev Lynn. that came on the heels of waking up this mornin with her in my heart. the conversation surrounded all three candidates and something someone else said brought back to me how powerfully impressed i was by Rev Lynn and what she would bring to our church. i'm already in the midst of making a thank you card for her note. i'll let her know she's still in my prayers to be our minister. i have no clue really who will win the job offer, but i pray it is someone who well grounded spiritually of which i don't think one of the candidates was. of course you know this already. the suspense may kill me...lol...but i will say my prayers daily. Rev Marty's card came at the right moment, right time today. i had let go the angst i had regarding him. the card may help me should he get to be minister. i hadn't expected any of the candidates to remember me, but they all have. being there for the entire weekend(s) while they were there, i guess they got to know me a little. God bless them all. I know Divine right action is taking place.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
and space..i've shrunk the photos and i'm just writin away about nothings while watchin' my Red Sox play....so anyways, these are more photos from yesterday and our time together. i would think of Madison today and laugh. she's such a delight in my life as you already know. what a blessing she is and i can't say enough about her. i must go see her again soon. probably at her Grammy's house (Marsha's) where i think all of her cars are there. in visiting Marsha's house yesterday, there were nothing but cars of all sizes all over her patio. i laughed knowing it was Madison's own little play area as it usually is....
so, today we had our last ministeral candidate on the podium. she gave a great talk and she was dynamic in the question and answer. after it was all over i pondered some of what she said. she won me over. her spiritual practices included a position of humility every mornin and night on her knees. i loved that. she knows humility, something i've experienced myself. i think it good that we humble ourselves sometime during our journey in life here. it allows us the connection to others that we wouldn't ever experience without humility. i also like what she said about "praying to" God. in our philosophy it is not in our principles to do so. we pray from an affirmative place from within. but in my own personal journey with God, i pray "to" The Source often at times and it works, just as Rev Julie said today. why we must restrict ourselves to one way is beyond me and NOT part of my spiritual practice. also as i was reading some homework for my practitioner class, i wasn't totally agreeing with what was said. i understood it, but i've also learned that we can talk to God anyway we want, and i mean anyway. so these two thoughts from Rev Julie as well a few more really won my vote. now for only our congregation to hear her, or even the other woman candidate. i just flat out don't want a comedian for a minister....so my Boston Red Sox are down by 2 runs now and it's the 7th inning. but there is plenty game left. who wins tonite is not upmost important on my mind. just a way to wind down the evening after a day at church. my heart has been filled today with Rev Julie's presence. this week i'll say my prayers for the right minister to be chosen. next week we compare all 3 candidates and vote. then it'll be hopefully no more than one more week after that when we know our choice. it's a democratic process which is a good thing. yet i don't always agree with the presidential elections. i'm not going to necessarily agree with the new minister. i'll keep you posted. my heart has been opened more so lately and i hope it stays that way. one change can make all the difference in that. until we meet again...i give you my blessings!
in the meantime, i was reminded that my Boston Red Sox were playing last night. i had forgotten and made plans to see the UNM Women's Volleyball team play last night. well i had to call my friend back and cancel. I don't get to see my Red Sox play often and last night was a DO or DIE situation. well we won!!! will still on our comeback trail to the World Series. we've done it before, we can do it again. i'll be working tonite when the game begins, but i'll be home in time to watch most of it. last nite's game was exciting, but not as exciting as it was thursday nite which i had to read about in the aol news (i had class that nite). so i anxiously await for tonite's game...
in the meantime, today i'll be at church for the last ministeral candidate's talk and working this afternoon. this minister search has truly been an eye opener for me about our congregants. i'm anxious for our final input as to who our minister should be-that happens next sunday. i'm really curious of what i'll find out about our church once we offer the job to someone. there is one candidate i definitely don't want to get the job yet a lot of people liked him. he had a great sense of humor, but he was too funny to me. there were other concerns surrounding him that bothered me. the two women have been very down to earth among other more positive attributes. so, i'll have to wait. who the next minister is "may" affect my decision in becoming a practitioner. as practitioners we are to support our minister. at this moment i could not do that with the funny man. time will write the story as time unfolds...i'll keep you posted...so have a wonderful day today! it is a blessed and beautiful time.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
so i found a way to make a video of all my balloon fiesta photos . these are most all of them anyways. grab a cup of coffee and enjoy!...ok first i don't know how the music got attached to it but it did, and it repeats itself so you might want to turn the volume down. secondly after watchin this video it took about 30mins to get thru all the photos before it started over...just a heads up!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
now, for these balloon fiesta photos. i hope i haven't repeated any photos. i have so many i'm losing track. the striped guys photo'd are the "referees". i don't remember their exact title, but these are the guys who let the pilots know when they can take off while also blow their whistles to let the crowd know and move people out of the way for take off. both men and women do this and they're all over the field directing traffic....now the other guy photo'd, is a typical hat sold and worn at the fiesta (for those who like these hats). there are other hats typically worn too especially designed for the fiesta. people come to the fiesta annually collecting pins and/or patches. usually those wearing them are part of a chase crew, specifically assigned to one balloon. it all makes for a colorful fiesta. but anyone can collect pins and patches. i started many years ago to collect the patches, but didn't follow thru every year i was out there. every year i go out there, i want a souvenir of sorts, but usually keep my cash in my pocket. and this year i finally found a poster i wanted to purchase but didnt' get back to it, darn it. and did i tell you i met another photographer out there? anyways, after looking at her photos, i want to start doing more with my photos. think i'll start enlarging a few and frame them for sell. will attempt to sell them at church too if they let me....i'm feelin great today (aside my little rant about the p.o). Life is only gettin' better!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
so anyways, i wanted to make a brief note on the fatal balloon accident that occured here a few days ago. i hadn't heard any details on it until last nite while chatting online with a friend. apparently the balloon got caught in some wires and the gandula (the basket) through the pilot and his passenger out. the balloon burned. the men were thrown into an arroyo which could have been cemented. anyways, the pilot was killed on impact and the other guy was unconscious. i have yet to hear further details on his recovery. there have only been a handful of fatal balloon accidents in the 20yrs i've lived here, but they do happen. as i understand it, the pilot doesn't have complete control over the balloon. a lot of their direction is determined by the wind and how much gas they have in their tanks (it lasts only so long). in my younger days i always wanted to ride in one of the balloons. as i've gotten older and know a little more, i'm not sure i'll do it. incidents as these are discouraging. so anyways, just wanted to update you on this...
think i'm off for a beer now. i just need to chill for awhile. all the excitement and energy surrounding our ministeral candidates is wearing me out. the next two days i'm off from work all together. i'm going to take advantage of the time. Marsha and I (and maybe her daughter and Madison) will be walking a corn maze tomorrow weather permitting. it's been postponed twice due to rain. i pray for a sunshining day manana!!!
Monday, October 13, 2008
now, as i sit having my brew, there's a chill in the air. i woke to it yesterday morn. i had to pull out the jacket. although it really warmed up yesterday, the chill returned last nite. so i'll pull out the mink blanket (something left by an ex a long time ago). with the mink blanket i don't have to put the heat on just yet. it'll be another month before i turn it on. i need to dress in layers so i can peel them once it warms up during the day. it's still in the 70s during the afternoon. still t-shirt weather. but for now i'll enjoy the briskly cool mornings with a jacket...for now, i have Boo barking in my ear. must let her outside...and it's time for that second cup of coffee.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
in the meantime, 2 ministerial candidates have come & gone. one more to go. all the energy surrounding this process is wearing me out. it's exciting yet stressful too. i affirm we will choose the best of the candidates, but i have my worries too. this is like a presidential election. everyone choosing from simple things to the depth of the individual. it'll be interesting who will win. i'm ready for things to quiet down again. one more weekend and then we get on to the decision making...
i shall go for a hike tomorrow. i need the noursishment from Nature, a reflection of God's unconditional love and pure essence...
p.s. I saw Jesse today. i haven't seen him in a couple weeks. i almost cried when i saw him but i didn't thankfully. he's got such great strength and i admire his courage and determination to continue on despite the cancer....anyways, it's been an emotionally weekend for me for varioius reasons. i'm gonna let the tears flow...
i just learned that i can only load 5 photos at one time on here. o well. anyways, there are numerous special shape balloons and for a couple mornings they have just these balloons going up, a special shapes rodeo...i didn't make it back out for this event as i had planned. but there is always next year. today is the last day of the fiesta for this year. won't make it there today either. rest has been needed as well as attention to my house before church today. a little tidying up will go a long way for me...so anyways, the following is the Balloonist's Prayer. there's a second version as well which is basically the same just worded in the past tense.
The Balloonists' Prayer
May the winds wecome you with softness. May the sun bless you with his warm hands. May you fly so high and so well, that God joins you in laughter and sets you gently back into the loving arms of Mother Earth.
a short note..the cow to the right is HUGE. she is the size of 3 or more balloons put together. but she's one of my favs to see every year. when i first arrived in Albq 20yrs ago, there was a polar bear just as huge and Beautiful. i haven't seen it since. The Polar Bear is my all time favorite. i have a photo of it somwhere? maybe i can get it scanned and show it to you one day.... not included in these photos were also Nemo, an angel, Wells Fargo stagecoach, a witch, a buffalo, bumble bees, and a space man. those are what i saw on wednesday.
to view ALL my balloon fiesta photos, go to my myspace account http://www.myspace.com/kbearenigma once you get there under my photo is "View My:" right next to it is "Pics" you may not be able to see the word "Pics" because it's blue but put your cursor over it and it'll show click on "Pics" and all my albums will come up most all my photos are stored there. The Balloon Fiesta album is toward the bottom. once you click on it all photos will show. you can click on one of the photos and it will enlarge for you, then you can click on "Next" in the upper right hand corner and see all the photos enlarged one at a time, if you'd like...and view any other albums if you'd like.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
so i asked her to look up my recent blood work for my cholesteral. it's way down from last year. last year i think it was at 335. this time it's 207. i have no idea what i've done differently, but hey i'll keep it up. the only changes i've made the past 2 years was begin the hiking on a regular basis and consume alcohol a little more often too. i wonder if it
s the wine. they say it's good for your heart. who knows? maybe......also i did ask her about my cataract surgery and if there'd be any effect on my meds with the anesthetic. she said there shouldnt be. it's the blood thinners like aspirin, ibuprofen and such that concerns her. but there's not going to be any blood invovled in the cataract surgery. so that relieved some worry on my part. taking pain meds including ibuprofen at high dosages has interfered with my psyche meds and i just don't like the feeling. soooo happy there's not going to be a problem:-)
so anyways, these are a few of the photos i took on the way to the Jemez mountains. these are in the inky dinky town of San Ysidro a beautiful scenic view on the way...
on the way to the Jemez i bought another shirt...lol...only God & Marsha know how much i don't need a shirt...anyways, i went into buy a new pair of Levi's so i wouldn't buy that shirt at Bandelier i saw the other day that is soooo beautiful. for $60 i figured i could buy 2 pair of Levis for that price. well lo & behold on the way out of the store, i saw a shirt, thermal at that. but i loved the expression on it which says: FREEDOM TO LIVE, FREEDOM IS THE RIGHT TO LIVE AS WE WISH... so i bought it! but boy did it come in handy when i got to the mountains. i drove the jeep with the windows down(i didn't ride my bike on this trip..it's easier to jump in & out of my jeep to take photos than to jump off & on my bike donning my helmet constantly) so anyways, the cold mountain blew. it was refreshing but cold. i love drivng with my windows down in my jeep even in frigid weather at times. it's the closest thing to having no top like my previous Jeep Wrangler. it's 4wheelin at it's best. get out in nature and feel the wind and elements! i love my jeep as much as my bike. just don't drive it much since having the bike. hopefully next spring i'll get it out for some 4wheelin fun. patience is a virture. i know that will come altogether at the right moment at the right time.