Tuesday, March 31, 2009

No Death, No Fear

This body is not me; I am not caught in this body,
I am life without boundaries,
I have never been born and I have never died.
Over there the wide ocean and the sky with many galaxies
All manifests from the basis of consciousness.
Since beginningless time I have always been free.
Birth and death are only a door through which we go in and out.
Birth and death are only a game of hide-and-seek.
So smile to me and take my hand and wave good-bye.
Tomorrow we shall meet again or even before.
We shall always be meeting again at the true source,
Always meeting again on the myriad paths of life.

No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh.
the above passage is from this book. it was recommended to me by Rev Julie to assist in my grief for Jesse. I had started it a month ago only to put it down. too many tears to really get through it and read clearly. so finally on saturday I picked it up and started all over again. only last night did I complete it and it is WONDERFUL!!! even if you have not lost a loved one of late, I highly recommend this book to better understand death on what it is and what it is not. there is many messages on living as well. Thich is a Buddhist and his thoughts shared here are powerfully moving. I love this book. he has others and I'm probably going to read them all. Rev Julie reminded me he has one on Anger as well which will be most helpful to me now. in the recent childhood wounds that surfaced, I recognized a little bit of anger I had yet to resolve. so I'm looking forward to another book by Thich in the very near future. No Death, No Fear I will use for my book report coming up in class in another week. I have much other homework to complete, but will get to this report soon. I'm not a Buddhist, but am open to different spiritual teachings. Thich is a great introduction for me. I've read a little of Dalai Lama. at the moment I struggled through it, but I'll return to those books as well for further understanding of Buddhism. i desire to learn all that i can "spiritually". after talking with Rev Julie yesterday, I know I will continue to learn much from her and probably become a practitioner after all. only recently i was discouraged by a friend's words who also is a practitioner. i'll think lightly upon this over the summer. but i'm more optimistic now than before....i am more peaceful nowadays after last week. did i tell you i'm checking into martial arts? i will go check out at least a couple places. this is something i've always wanted to do and Rev Julie reminded me of the spiritual practice those arts are. i had forgotten and the reminder only ignited my soul's desire to do so. the martial arts is for self defense as well. i am a protector and i need to have a place to express that, release it and embrace that which i am. maybe the exercise will help me lose some weight as well. i have much on my journey that i desire to do. only time will tell how i get it all done. but most importantly i need to spend as much time hiking as possible or at least in the midst of nature somehow, someway allowing it to nourish me and continue my quest. time is unfolding and i must be on my way...

Saturday, March 28, 2009

where have I been?

quiet. peaceful. for once in over a week. or so it feels. i hadn't realized i've been away so long. the last week has been rough and i've barely made it thru. but i made it. it all started a week ago thursday in my class. we did a guided meditation and it opened my childhood wounds. that was ok for they surface at times on their own anyway. but it was the following day while feeling those wounds that i had an employee go off on me with much exploded anger. i felt like i got kicked to the curb. i called rev julie saturday. i cried daily for days. finally on tuesday i went to the mountain top to help heal my wounds and anger, for angry did i become at my employee. it took everything i had not to blow up at her. i scheduled an appointment with rev julie so we 3 could talk. so anyway, tuesday up on the mountain after hours there, i was lifted out of most of my anger. i started feeling better. on wednesday, Marsha invited me to a play for some laughs. our mutual friend George was in it, his first play. got to the play and it was not a comeday. it was The Laramie Project. a play surrounding the events of a young gay man killed in Laramie, WY ten years ago. i sat and watched with tears flowing feeling much compassion, shock and sadness. a rare occasion there was a laugh. the actors did a great job including George. the play in some respects reflected the hatred which i grew up in. the epitome of my father as he was back then. it was tough to endure at times, but i got thru it. at least on thursday i got to spend time with Madison for a couple hours. then friday, rev julie and i sat with my employee and talk. alas, i got to express my thoughts. it was a productive thought but i still feel my wounds and a tidbit of anger. i finally was able to relax last night, sleeping for 12hours. i woke refreshed. i had to go to church and my employee was there. damage has been done, but i will repair myself. time will continue my wounds. much hiking needed. i'll have more time since i also resigned this week working at my mentor's office. i'll also start riding my bike (motorcycle) on wednesday, weather permiting. at that time i'll get the insure in tact again. wont' ride without it. this summer will be loaded with lots of FUN!!! there's only about 6 weeks or so of class left. i'm more than ready for it to be over. but for now, tonight, i sit quietly reading and enjoying some women's basketball. tomorrow is a new day, a new dawn. if i can i'll make that sunrise...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

news ...& news

hello everyone. a short note on the latest. today i finally bought that new battery for my motorcycle. had it charged, brought it home and with a little more gas got her started. well then with much apprehension i took her down to the shop to see if i needed a new charger system on my bike. last fall the battery i had went kaput and i swore it was a new battery last spring. so i inquired why it expired on me and they said it might be my charging system not working. so i parked her for the winter. no point in investing in October when she was sittin within a month anyways. so a couple days ago i called the shop and asked IF it was the charging system, what would be the worst case scenario. answer=900 smackaroos. Yikes! no way in hell was i putting that much money into her again. so needless to say i was extremely apprehensive about takin' her down there today. well lo & behold. the charging system is just fine. not a damn thing wrong with her. it took a whole 5mins to learn this. i was ready to sell if that much more money was to be invested. i have other plans with my money this year. nothin, not even my bike, was stoppin' me this time. well now i don't have to sell her. i had even called another young man yesterday to see if he wanted her. he said he'd call me back in a couple days. i was practically giving it away when i chatted with him. well today i called and told him the prognosis. IF he really wants it and meets my price, i'll probably sell it to him, however, it didn't sound good when i did talk to him. so i think i'll be keeping her....
after the shop visit, i rode to the park to meet up with Marsha & Madison. haven't seen her in a couple weeks i think now and we all know how much i enjoy her....btw, if i haven't mentioned, one reason i enjoy her so much is because i haven't had lots of opportunities to hang out with kids in my life for various reasons. Madison more than enough makes up of that....anyways, Marsha had told me she had news for me when i got there. something she had to tell me in person so she could see the expression on my face. well i of course thought iit was an engagement announcement for her & Jim, but it wasnt'. what the news is, is Madison will have a new baby brother or sister by this fall. shocked as hell was i, and still am. so's Marsha. not that we don't look forward to another baby, we question the timing at the moment for mom & dad at the moment. we know there's nothing we can do about it and we will have a drink later to help it sink in some more. so we talked about how for sure it will take 2 of us now to take them to the park and watch out for them. one for each of us this time. Goodness. and that's the news for day! news & news!
spring is here. it was a BEAUTIFUL day for riding. it was a beautiful day at the park with Madison. (she even twisted my arm a few times and got me to ride down the slide>>>lol) i need more days like this. more adventures with both. and so it will be in the days to come...

Monday, March 16, 2009


Thou art the center and circumference of my life,
The beginningless and endless part of me,
The eternal Reality of me;
The everlasting Power within me;
The eternal Good working through me;
The infinite Love impelling me;
The limitless Peace and Calm within me;
The Perfect Life, living through and in me;
The Joy of the Soul and the LIght of the Spirit, illumining me;
O Lord, God, Eternal and forever Blessed, Thou art my whole Being!
(from Science of Mind book)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

winch it baby!

so, me and my jeep got volunteered for pullin' bushes today at church. for awhile i thought we weren't going 2 do it. a couple weeks ago when asked, i checked out my winch and didn't have the remote for it. no problem. still plenty of time to order a new one, and order i did. went to pick it up yesterday and it wouldn't fit my plug. we even tried a second one. so we ordered a new plug to go on it. another 10days before it'll be in. so with that thought, i thought it pulled me out of the loop for bush pullin'. well last night sometime, Jane called anyways to ask for my help. well i still wasn't thinkin' i was using my jeep until i showed up this morn and we started planning the whole thing. i had already pulled some of the line out, so figured we could use some of it. well Scott was there thank goodness and he said he could get it back in without a remote if we used it. sooo....we used my jeep & winch. and boy did my baby haul ass on those bushes. these were not small bushes at all. Scott taught me how to really use this winch today. because i've been ridin' my motorcycle the past 3yrs, i hadn't used my jeep or winch except for ridin' from point A to point B. i've been only using the 4wheelin on wet or snow packed roads. today we put in 4 Lo to dig these bushes out. now i know to do the same should i be out 4 wheelin and get stuck somewhere. Scott also said he had a remote that might work. we also talked about going out to "Lil Moab", the place i went for 4 wheelin' recently suggested by him, and we will go out and really test my jeep. i told him to bring along the kids if he wants. but we won't go until i get that remote or plug, whichever comes first. but all in all it was a good day. happy with my baby (jeep) and the way she did her job today. she was much needed for this job. Scott had a surburban, but not ideal for the job. so i'm happy i could contribute to this project as orginally planned. although i was in the jeep half the time or longer, i still got bushes in my pants. i'm full of dirt from head to toe. i'm in desperate need of shower which i will be hitting right after this post. this is just a moment to unwind from the day. we spent a good 5-6hrs pullin and loadin' bushes today. but the place looks a hell of a lot better. tonite i'm unwinding with the movie Australia. (as long as i can stay awake). today's job was tougher than i imagined. but it was all in a good day's work. well worth the effort for our grounds. Scott made the statement he hadn't worked so hard to be spiritual. i laughed thinking yeah that applies to me and the job i'm doing there too. my reply, "work is good for the soul."....and so it is!
in the meantime, as i went with Scott to the dump, he told me of his place of business and servicing my jeep. he has a good deal,, better than the dealer so i'll hit him up for that this summer. it's a little more costly, but worth it in the long run. my baby is ready for her 100k servicing. his will do that and more. i plan on running her til she drops, so definitely gotta take care of her. after this servicing, i'm puttin' a sunroof on her and will buy a new rack to fit. the current one will be too long for the sunroof. once that's completed, she's ready to do sum more 4 wheelin in Colorado, Arizona and wherever i can find her. these trips i plan on campin' out in the wilderness for a few days. maybe by then i'll have a lover to go with me. if not, maybe a friend. all this 4 wheelin' in my mind, i think about do i really have time for ridin' my bike?....lol as the sign on my jeep says, 'BAD ASS GIRL DRIVING BAD ASS TOYS". which one do i do more?....lol

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

finished the book!

Go everywhere with a thousand voices singing. -author unknown........
well today was another slow start day. i decided as i was enjoyin' my mornin' brew that i'd finish Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. so i did. i was still missin' Jess this morn. reading the book brought him to memory again. i laughed. i cried. and i feel like i just don't know what to do with myself. i had already realized last month that hangin' out with Jess stirred up feelings I hadn't felt in like ages. i mean ages. it's been 4yrs at least since i dated anyone. a couple years ago or so, i decided i wanted to be the Bulletproof Monk and be celibate. then Jesse comes along and everything went out the door, or so it seems. not that i'm complaining. i'm just a little stirred ccrazy at the moment. as i was completing my book today, her story reminded me of those stirred feelings of longing, intimacy, love, joy & laughter and any other emotion that goes with a relationship. not that i haven't had some of these feelings in the past 4yrs, they just haven't been as prominent until Jesse arrived. reading Elizabeth's book gave me all the emotions of intimacy as well as spirituality along my journey. i've been feeling both for several months now and after finishing her book today, i realized i have no idea what to do with myself at this point. do i find a partner for life? or not? do i abstain from sex for the rest of my life for a more fullfilling spiritual life? does either question even matter at this point? well it sorta does at least temporarily. ya see, my gay brother wants to introduce me to a woman. not that i care she's a woman so much as to is now the right time to even "think" about dating someone? plus i've been seemingly content living alone, being alone and having just my friends. i know i've spoiled myself with just my time and doing whatever i like when i like. just get up and go on a moment's notice. and it's been at least 8yrs since i've had somewhat of a relationship with someone for more than a couple months. before that, i think it was 6yrs or so. it's like they haven't been my best suit of cards. but the past several years i have deeply connected with some cherished friends upon a moment's notice. i felt the connection almost immediately within my heart and our friendships grew deeper from there. it was the same with Jesse. i felt it the night i took him to the ball game. felt it even more the second ball game a couple weeks later. anyway, i ask myself can i give someone a fair chance at this moment? one book i've been reading regarding loss, suggested i don't date anyone until my grief is all but gone. well i don't know how long that will last. i haven't expected to last this long. i do ok until there's something that i'm doing regarding Jesse's stuff. then the grief surfaces again and stays awhile.....anyways, i've said a prayer for guidance and clarity. the answer will come on its own as it did Jesse. i know my heart will tell me when that right individual shows up. i have plenty to keep me busy and enjoy in life. when that special someone shows up, he/she will only add to my already good life. but as i said, "special". whoever he/she will truly have to strike my fancy. otherwise i'm not putting out any extra efforts. so until that moment arrives, i'll not think about it. i just needed to write this entry for clarity. it came as the words unfolded here. now it's time to get back to homework. almost done. then just have to type it....the wind has been cold the past several days with rain on monday. i hope it warms up again.....

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

gotta beef!

goodness. it's already after 6pm and i stil have homework to do-especially since a classmate called for help today. will get right to it after this post. this post was to enable me to relax a bit before diving into the homework while also airing out a beef i have with a co-worker. my beef with a co-worker she's either dictating orders to me or tryin' to tell me how to do my job. this has been going on for a couple months. maybe longer. she did it again on sunday. i had only been awake for literally 5mins when she called to inquire about a set up i had done as requested and agreed upon by Rev Julie & a board member. needless to say she didn't listen to the acknowledgement of the agreement and gave her 2 cents anyways. well about 15minutes after i hung up the phone, it hit me she's still doing it. i decided i've had enough. she's bossy with others including her family so i've been lettin' it roll. not anymore. it hit me last night while trying to fall asleep that for the first 48yrs of my life i've been taking orders. I've had enough of taking orders from anybody. i'm all for working WITH you, but do not dictate to me. i even told a friend at lunch today that IF they make this woman Church Administrator and my boss, i will resign immediately. so i need to finish getting my ducks in line with my finances. the sooner the better. they haven't decided what they're going to do about a church administrator. who knows they may not hire another one. plus in a few months, Rev Julie's personal assistant will be coming on board and i'm sure they will put her in the church administrators office to work out of there. where they would put a church administrator after that, God only knows. so anyways, i feel i have plenty of time to finsih workin' out my finances which are on track to be far better by september. but before i do that, i've decided to buy Jesse's armoire. i've always wanted one and i can pay Sandy at my convenience. i'll give her a down payment next week, then the rest next month. then i'll just pay Jane gas money to take us up there and haul it back here. i'll buy her lunch too. anyways, that's the decision of the day. i've been missing him terribly again today. my day started out slow, not too sad, but enough to slow me down. but in retrospect i recognized i'm still learning from him even though he's not here. this morn i woke to see the perfect spot for the naked ladies sketch. then it reminded me of the time i went skinny dippin in the ocean when i was 20. there were 4 of us women who went down to Corpus Christi beach from Lackland AFB. one had a jeep so we drove down the beach. not a soul around but us, so we stripped down to our panties and dove it. it was fun while it lasted but then a bunch of guys in their own 4 wheeler drove down and saw us. they decided to hang around so we got dressed. but it was fun while it lasted. i had thought of that in sooo many years. it actually gave me moment to reflect on how i was living life BEFORE the illness. i had forgotten how "free" it was to live back then. think it's time to do it again. what a journey it's been. but it's all been worth it. Thank You Jesse for my reminders and being the free bird yourself....you still make me LAUGH!!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Pack Rat!!!

...old tree trunks. i love 'em. i still have yet to capture one on photo that i like, but i'll keep tryin'.......anyway, today was the road trip to Jess' house. Sandy opened the house for an Estate Sale and everybody came. they kept coming til about 6pm I think, although the company I rode up with, we left about 5pm. so, i've been to Jess' house before recognizing he has a lot of stuff, but not paying attention to how much STUFF. today i learned just how much stuff he has. a TON. i swear it. i was sittin' there, no we all were sittin' there having our lunch, and in just awe of how much STUFF Jesse has collected the past 10yrs since living there. he must have brought EVERYTHING home. i heard at one time he worked for the rich and once they moved they told him to get rid of it. all of it must have ended up at Jess' house. plus some. a LOT was hauled off today, but it was like an 1/8 of an inch dent put into it. we all got the feelin' he was just a little bit CRAZY with this stuff. and we laughed. we also said we missed his black ass. i said those words first. (a note. this is NOT a racist comment. i get "ethnic" occasionally and say it with pure love behind it). just plain down right missin' his ass terribly. being up there i missed him even more, but i have no doubt he was right there with us all day, probably laughing his light ass off where he was. i knew he was wild, strong, gentle and very kind, a traveler (there was a HUGE U.S. map that had pins on it of where he'd traveled all over the states) and he was a character. but learning today he was a little crazy, well that was a new one on me, us. but we still LOVE him. he truly was a GREAT GUY regardless. i told Sandy today hanging out with him it was like lookin' at myself at times. so the crazy piece of the puzzle fits too. bless him!!! so anyway, it was a great day. tiring to say the least. i did bring a few more items of his things home. i found a HUGE seashell (walked past it a half a dozen times before finally seeing it)...lol. I also brought home a pencil sketch of 2 women riding horses in the river, shirtless. this is not my normal type of print, but i love the art work. i found it in Jesse's naked lady room. i forgot he had that room until i walked in it. anyway, i also brought back a stressed leather jacket, 3 shirts, a beautiful blanket, flashlight and an old wooden winery cabinet top. o yeah, an antique whiskey bottle which i'll place a flower in it. there's going to be another estate sale, but i'd rather not go unless Sandy really needs my assistance. i wasn't going to bring ANYTHING back today, but the longer i was there, the more i found. we all hauled some stuff of his back. one truck load. one car load. i don't want to bring any more stuff back. i have more than enough stuff of his. not complaining, but there' comes a time to say NO!...lol if i didn't mention, Jesse truly gave the term Pack Rat a new meaning. i've never seen anything like this. but i Love him. so today i learned a little more about the man. i am very grateful to have known him. he truly Lived his life. a great example how to live it up!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

itchin' 2 ride!!!

so....tonite while workin at church i mention to the guy who's buying my bike that i will finally have a new battery next week. guess what! he told me he changed his mind....so much for the bike being sold. i was having second thoughts about it yesterday anyways, but i thought he'd still buy the bike. i'm happy and not i suppose. ever since seeing others ridin' 'round town, i've been dying to get on it..and possibly not sell it...now that it's not sold, the question is to sell or not to sell? i mean i LOVE this bike and ridin', but i was also lookin' forward to a dent in my debt. there is another young man i could call and ask if he'd like to take it off my hands-as he said he'd do. but for now i'll start with the battery and take a spin. then i need to get the charging system checked out before i sell it anyways, so will do that. in the meantime, i'll relook at my budget. i know i could keep the bike and still put dents in the debt, but it's taking longer than i desire. i know patience. so maybe that's the lesson i'm really learning about debt-just be patient. all good things come to those who wait, right? debt is about the only thing i've never had patience with. so maybe it's time i change my thinking. i am pleased with my progress with it but of course i want it gone yesterday. anyways, i sure do enJOY the ride. and i was wanting to get on it yesterday when i was blue. it ALWAYS picks me up in a heartbeat when i'm down. good anti-blue medicine. so maybe i should hang onto it anyways. i'll know in time. patience is a virtue so i need to extend to my debt.......
in the meantime, i'm still reading Eat, Pray, Love and am LOVING it! it's the best medicine i've needed lately. someone who went on her own spiritual journey. she's frank. she's funny. she reveals her human side thru all of it and it has some great spiritual wisdom along the way. just plain damn real. my journey the past 5yrs or so, spiritually speaking, has been a struggle at times. sometimes i haven't know whether i was coming or going. with this book i know i can just keep going simply as i am embracing my human side while experiencing the spiritual too. i don't think one can truly be done without the other. well you may, but it may not be as rewarding. again I LOVE this book! i can't wait to finish it but it may be a few days for i have homework to do in between work and the road trip. frankly i'll be glad when class is over. only 10 more weeks to go....yeah, i think i'll ride!!!

Friday, March 6, 2009

eat, pray, love

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. this is the book I've been curled up with all day. i've had it a few months. bought it at a yard sale but if they didn't have it, i was buying it new anyways...so last night i hit rock bottom, or so it felt. i was sitting in class and depression just came over me. it was really my grief which i recognized when i got home after class. Jesse's transition also stirred up some abandonment feelings from childhood which i've been feeling too. so i fell asleep crying, woke up crying and cried off & on all day. but as the day progressed, i feel better. just needed to take a time out for sure. then Sandy called, Jesse's and my mutual friend. she's headed up to his house on monday to open it up for an estate sale. she invited me along and i will indeed take that road trip. i'll hitch a ride with Jane whom the 4 of us went up there back in November to get some of his stuff. so we'll go and cry together, laugh together and enjoy the memories of Jesse. Sandy and I miss him terribly. not a day goes by that i don't think of him. he was such a blessing to me for so many reasons. there are days he still makes me laugh and laugh i do. i hope i meet up with him one day again in another dimension or in another life. Rev Julie is going to work with me this next thursday on some healing work surrounding Jesse. as mentioned before she already recommended a couple books which i've begun both of them. it's just today, i needed something a little more light hearted and warm, so i saw Eat, Pray, Love on my table and picked it up. it's delightful thus far. she traveled to 3 different countries for 3 different reasons. i've just finished Italy and will move on to India next. then it's Indonesia. i've already got a couple ideas from reading it. one is to paint my apartment with colors provided the landlord will allow me. actually the thought initially occured to me after seeing Rev Julie's office she recently painted. she basked them in warm earth colors. i already have earth tones in my furniture, so just need to add the paint. the walls here are all white. they're showing the dirt profusely right now and i had already planned on cleaning them and possibly repainting them white anyways. so why not some color this time? the other idea was to just live for pleasure for awhile without all the worries of every day life. she went to Italy for this. i've been already trying to figure out how to have more pleasure/fun in my life anyways while having meaningful purpose in my life, so as i read these chapters about Italy, i thought maybe take a summer and just focus on play. no serious reading. no serious working. just enjoy the summer in many delightful ways with photography, hiking, motorcycle riding (if i still keep it) and other pleasures. just BE. so i'll see if i can start with this summer. anyways, the book picked up my spirit. the past 3 months have been challenging for me emotionally, mentally and otherwise. that's why i hit rock bottom last night while in class. i couldn't handle anymore. it was time to totally let go..and that i did. i've been letting go from time to time, but last night was the whole knit and kaboodle. i threw in the towel. it's all good. although i was crying today, i was also feeling much love and laughing too. nowadays these two facets come with the crying too. it just reminds me i'm human which i've been trying to embrace. i forget sometimes that i am human. i just go about life not thinking much of it until i hit a bump in the road. thankfully someone reminded me lately....tomorrow is another day. i'm off for a hike with the church group. hopefully it'll be warm, but we had an overcast day today. keep your fingers crossed for us. until i see you again...blessings!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

pino trail

i took a little hike today. up Pino Trail in Gallego Park. i hiked about an hour in. rested. headed back. i needed some fresh air and it was a gorgeous day today. i heard this trail will take you to the top taking about 3hrs to get there. so i figure if i start now for an hour a day for a few weeks, then increase it by an hour for another few weeks, then in no time i'll make it to the top. so that's my plan. we already have great weather for hiking. i went further than i have ever on this trail today due to the nice weather. not too hot. not too cold or windy. i took a few photos along the way capturing some cactus in different colors due i think to the cold weather. but they made for some interesting photos. i also attempted to capture the blue jays. obviously i still need that 500m lens to get me closer to these birds. they don't stay very long when landed and fly away within a heartbeat of your presence. not going to get the lens this year, unless i win that darn lottery. but maybe next year. all in due time. what's most important is i still get myself out and shoot sum photos. it's soooo relaxing for me. there's another road trip in the works, so that's another photo opportunity. but now that work has settled down again, i'm enjoying the quiet time with a book. i just started no death, no fear by Thich Nhat Hanh. Rev Julie recommended it to assist my grief. it's a great book thus far and i just finished chapter one. she also recommended How to Survive the Lost of a Love... i'll get to it after the aforementioned. i think Jesse's transition stirred up some old feelings relating to my father and i need to work thru them. it is all good. all part of the journey in life. other than that, i'm doing good. and did i mention i have a friend who wants to introduce me to someone? well he hasn't introduced her yet, so it remains to be seen. i'm a little stumped by it since i haven't really dated anyone for over 4yrs. i know there was Jesse but i never thought of he and i on dates. we just hung out. Change, it's the only thing that's constant. maybe it is time to date again. Jesse sure brought that subject to surface. i miss him a lot sometimes. and i haven't had anyone to talk to about that, although i will do so tomorrow when i see my therapist. also next week, i have an appointment with Rev Julie about something else. she did let me know if i ever wanted to talk to her about that. so i'll take that opportunity at that time too. i've needed to talk lately and have had only one opportunity to do so. correction, Maggie and i had breakfast on saturday, we did talk then a little. but i still can't wait until tomorrow. less than 24hrs now. i'll keep you posted.....anyways, i'm off to my book again. it's been a great day to be out in nature. i'll do it again in the morn....