finished the book!

Go everywhere with a thousand voices singing. -author unknown........
well today was another slow start day. i decided as i was enjoyin' my mornin' brew that i'd finish Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. so i did. i was still missin' Jess this morn. reading the book brought him to memory again. i laughed. i cried. and i feel like i just don't know what to do with myself. i had already realized last month that hangin' out with Jess stirred up feelings I hadn't felt in like ages. i mean ages. it's been 4yrs at least since i dated anyone. a couple years ago or so, i decided i wanted to be the Bulletproof Monk and be celibate. then Jesse comes along and everything went out the door, or so it seems. not that i'm complaining. i'm just a little stirred ccrazy at the moment. as i was completing my book today, her story reminded me of those stirred feelings of longing, intimacy, love, joy & laughter and any other emotion that goes with a relationship. not that i haven't had some of these feelings in the past 4yrs, they just haven't been as prominent until Jesse arrived. reading Elizabeth's book gave me all the emotions of intimacy as well as spirituality along my journey. i've been feeling both for several months now and after finishing her book today, i realized i have no idea what to do with myself at this point. do i find a partner for life? or not? do i abstain from sex for the rest of my life for a more fullfilling spiritual life? does either question even matter at this point? well it sorta does at least temporarily. ya see, my gay brother wants to introduce me to a woman. not that i care she's a woman so much as to is now the right time to even "think" about dating someone? plus i've been seemingly content living alone, being alone and having just my friends. i know i've spoiled myself with just my time and doing whatever i like when i like. just get up and go on a moment's notice. and it's been at least 8yrs since i've had somewhat of a relationship with someone for more than a couple months. before that, i think it was 6yrs or so. it's like they haven't been my best suit of cards. but the past several years i have deeply connected with some cherished friends upon a moment's notice. i felt the connection almost immediately within my heart and our friendships grew deeper from there. it was the same with Jesse. i felt it the night i took him to the ball game. felt it even more the second ball game a couple weeks later. anyway, i ask myself can i give someone a fair chance at this moment? one book i've been reading regarding loss, suggested i don't date anyone until my grief is all but gone. well i don't know how long that will last. i haven't expected to last this long. i do ok until there's something that i'm doing regarding Jesse's stuff. then the grief surfaces again and stays awhile.....anyways, i've said a prayer for guidance and clarity. the answer will come on its own as it did Jesse. i know my heart will tell me when that right individual shows up. i have plenty to keep me busy and enjoy in life. when that special someone shows up, he/she will only add to my already good life. but as i said, "special". whoever he/she will truly have to strike my fancy. otherwise i'm not putting out any extra efforts. so until that moment arrives, i'll not think about it. i just needed to write this entry for clarity. it came as the words unfolded here. now it's time to get back to homework. almost done. then just have to type it....the wind has been cold the past several days with rain on monday. i hope it warms up again.....