Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. this is the book I've been curled up with all day. i've had it a few months. bought it at a yard sale but if they didn't have it, i was buying it new anyways...so last night i hit rock bottom, or so it felt. i was sitting in class and depression just came over me. it was really my grief which i recognized when i got home after class. Jesse's transition also stirred up some abandonment feelings from childhood which i've been feeling too. so i fell asleep crying, woke up crying and cried off & on all day. but as the day progressed, i feel better. just needed to take a time out for sure. then Sandy called, Jesse's and my mutual friend. she's headed up to his house on monday to open it up for an estate sale. she invited me along and i will indeed take that road trip. i'll hitch a ride with Jane whom the 4 of us went up there back in November to get some of his stuff. so we'll go and cry together, laugh together and enjoy the memories of Jesse. Sandy and I miss him terribly. not a day goes by that i don't think of him. he was such a blessing to me for so many reasons. there are days he still makes me laugh and laugh i do. i hope i meet up with him one day again in another dimension or in another life. Rev Julie is going to work with me this next thursday on some healing work surrounding Jesse. as mentioned before she already recommended a couple books which i've begun both of them. it's just today, i needed something a little more light hearted and warm, so i saw Eat, Pray, Love on my table and picked it up. it's delightful thus far. she traveled to 3 different countries for 3 different reasons. i've just finished Italy and will move on to India next. then it's Indonesia. i've already got a couple ideas from reading it. one is to paint my apartment with colors provided the landlord will allow me. actually the thought initially occured to me after seeing Rev Julie's office she recently painted. she basked them in warm earth colors. i already have earth tones in my furniture, so just need to add the paint. the walls here are all white. they're showing the dirt profusely right now and i had already planned on cleaning them and possibly repainting them white anyways. so why not some color this time? the other idea was to just live for pleasure for awhile without all the worries of every day life. she went to Italy for this. i've been already trying to figure out how to have more pleasure/fun in my life anyways while having meaningful purpose in my life, so as i read these chapters about Italy, i thought maybe take a summer and just focus on play. no serious reading. no serious working. just enjoy the summer in many delightful ways with photography, hiking, motorcycle riding (if i still keep it) and other pleasures. just BE. so i'll see if i can start with this summer. anyways, the book picked up my spirit. the past 3 months have been challenging for me emotionally, mentally and otherwise. that's why i hit rock bottom last night while in class. i couldn't handle anymore. it was time to totally let go..and that i did. i've been letting go from time to time, but last night was the whole knit and kaboodle. i threw in the towel. it's all good. although i was crying today, i was also feeling much love and laughing too. nowadays these two facets come with the crying too. it just reminds me i'm human which i've been trying to embrace. i forget sometimes that i am human. i just go about life not thinking much of it until i hit a bump in the road. thankfully someone reminded me lately....tomorrow is another day. i'm off for a hike with the church group. hopefully it'll be warm, but we had an overcast day today. keep your fingers crossed for us. until i see you again...blessings!