back 2 Jarhead

it's a cold morn. a little brisk needing at least a sweatshirt for feeding the birds. the radio plays music to the beat of my heart. i keep adding to my playlist. without music, i don't know where i'd be. although not always a country music fan, it has been the best music for my blues and life. ballads told that i'm sure i have experienced at times....
last nite i picked up Jarhead again. although i bought Marley and Me and began it, something drew me back to the war book. thus far the raw material isn't so much of bloody battles as so much of his mind set throughout his experiences. it's as much about sex as about the marine corp. although a veteran, i had no idea sum soldiers thinks as they do, but the war is a machine and has its own attitudes. getting back to this book it reminded me of the "trenches" i've been in. the trenches of life, that not so beautiful side of life. not only domestic violence in childhood, but exposed to the gritty side of life like prostitution and worse. i've read books too that make your stomach turn upside down like A Child Called It (which btw, unless you have a very strong stomach, don't read this, although it is a really good book)....anyways, what has all this exposure done for me, got me out of the squeaky clean life i lived. sometimes i still notice my squeaky clean thoughts, but know that was the shaping of my parents. sometimes living the "spiritual" life i do and being in contact with our church community, i forget the cruelty that is out there. i will continue books as these to remind me. somewhere recently i found my humility shoes again. i finally KNOW from deep within me the true wisdom from the humility i've experienced in life-mostly from my illness. with these shoes on, i now can truly extend compassion to others in lieu of judgment and condemnation. but i have not forgotten whence i came. my life's journey now makes sense more than it ever has. all the "spiritual" teachings i've done are now in fruition. O i'm not done yet, there's more to learn, but i'm grateful for new shoes to wear. i have been wearing warrior shoes which is a different walk. i am still a bit of a warrior but with different armor now=compassion, love & understanding. i'm coming to love ALL of mankind regardless of their war. i now know without my journey as it was, i could not have reached this stage. this is a beginning of another stage. we are all on a stage here in life expressing and learning of ourselves, others and Spirit however we choose. years ago, i don't think i would say that Life is Good, but now i know it is and includes all the good, bad and ugly.
on another note, i'm contemplating again selling my motorcyle. for two months i've had the gnawing feeling to sell it i don't know what's at the core of this, but i don't think i should ignore it. right now my bike sits for the winter. i'll have the season to really think about it and see if the feeling goes away. i'll discuss it with my therapist too. O i'm a biker and always will be, but one thing i wonder, is it worth my safety? for those who don't know New Mexico drivers are totally insane with their cars let alone us bikers on the road. time will tell. but i'll always carry with me the wind in my face and the freedom i feel while on my bike ...