Thursday, June 11, 2009

have i stumbled again?

I am taking full responsibility for my life.

a schooner sails the heavy seas, slicing through the swells. the captain mans the wheel, holding fast to the wooden spokes. one of his men calls directions, but mostly he sails by a child, i felt like i was on a ship battered by a stormy raging sea beacause my parents, the captains of the family, abandoned their posts. as a recoviering adult, my life is still a vayage-one of discovery. i am discovering the core issues that prevent me from enjoying life and the specific fears that inhibit the achievement of my full potential. i am discovering my motivations so that i can make clear decisions about life, directing my own schoooner on a safe voyage. it is a comfort to my inner child that i am becoming an expert navigator. all of my discoveries help me to take full responsibility for my life......just like the captian who will not leave his post when his schooner hits rough seas, i will knot abandon myself when the seas of life threaten to overwhelm me.
-Rokelle Lerner-Affirmations for the Inner Child

i sit this morn still knot feeling together after the past 3 days. i am worried about my financial situation. the govt supplement i receive may be in jeopardy i learned a couple days ago and therefore "may" lose a substantial amount of income. i say may because the woman wasn't sure she was reading the material right. plus i had another interpretation a few months ago which indicated that i was fine with this supplement. i'm allowed to earn only so much a month. anything substantial over that i can do for only so many months, then i'd lose some of my benefits. so at the moment i don't know if i'll lose some of it. dont' know if i've gone over my limit too many times. i went over intentionally a few times trying to return to work on a regular basis. trying to see if i could do it again. it's been hard to fully accept my medical retirement although it was much needed from the p.o. but working gives you so much more than idle time. one's sense of purpose, identity, value and more are all connected while working-or so i feel. my voyage the past 3 1/2yrs since retiring has been rough waters. but then again since the illness began 15yrs ago has been rough waters. all i can do now is wait to see if i receive "official" word from the govt as to whether i lose sum benefits. i'm trying knot to kick myself in the butt only to have compassion and understanding, but it doesn't make me feel a whole lot better. the tides may turn, then again they may knot. only time will tell of my destiny.....

in the meantime, i learned of an online photography school. i'm checking into that. will wait first to pay in full a few bills. but it sounds exciting. something i can do at home at my own pace.....may the sun come out and shine again today. it's overcast again this morn but no rain predicted. i like this book mentioned above. it is what i need right now.

1 comment:

Julie said...

I have been hearing about government cuts from my patients also so it might be all over. So far it is just in the works. I hope your not affected. The photography school sounds great. Let me know about it and how it works.