Saturday, May 2, 2009

burden lifted

it is late saturday night. it's been a wonderful day despite the rain. actually i felt the rain lift my spirit for once as though it was refreshing my soul. my day began with a hike with our church group. we went on the other side of Sandia mountains finishing just as it began to rain. wasn't sure i ws going to make it, but i perservered despite not completely "healthy" yet. but seemingly the hike seemed to help my cold today. maybe i sweated the last of it out-or almost. anyway after the hike i came home & napped. could have slept all afternoon, but my stomach was hungry....

so off i went to a new restaurant for me. i finally noticed this restaurant earlier in the week while riding my bike next to the mountain. i thought what a wonderful way to be beside the mountain and away from the city. i wanted steak too but had no idea what kind of restaurant this was. O but alas, it was rustic, very rustic. it had bbq and steak, both smelling good throughout the restaurant. i sat by the window enjoying the rain and very gloomy clouds. dinner was absolutely delicious! as recommended i went for the beef kabobs with a fully loaded baked potatoe. it was all to die for and well worth the extra money. i'll definitely go back again. my mouth is still watering just thinking about it.

anyway after dinner, i contemplated going to see my gay brother sing with his Gay Men's Chorus perform tonight. i have yet to do so and usually bail on him. well i decided to go after all. i had the ticket already. it was a great performance. while watching them perform, i FELT a burden lifted from my soul. not sure what the burden was, but i feel so much lighter now. i can only guess it was my guilt and/or judgment of being in the gay life myself. something i felt for a very long time for various reasons probably mostly of not having my family's support all those years. initially i didn't care what they thought of me being gay, but there came a time i recognized i did care...then psychosis...then confusion...now clear with my sexuality=bisexuality. there's so much more to all the guilt and judgment but it'd take all night to explain. i no longer feel guilty. i no longer judge myself for it. i sat there tonight and enjoyed all the chorus and all the men in it. i haven't mingled much in the gay life for a few years now so i could get clear with myself. so it was a pleasure to be among the community for a brief time tonight. there are a few attitudes i still struggle with in the community, but i will sort them out. mostly i don't think about them, and just let it be. so the evening was a success for me on many levels and i didn't know it would be. i've had enough worries other than my sexuality to be cocncerned about, so i've paid little attention to it. i'd rather be know for me, not my sexuality anyways. i haven't been into parading it ever anyways. i've just been mostly a quiet soul living my life and enjoying ALL people regardless. but tonight was a gift which will help me move onward, forward to wherever i am going. i have changed much since psychosis. i only live for today and the moment of Now anyways. only time will tell where i'll be tomorrow. i long for the mountains and so much more. i know my Spirit will guide me to wherever i'm suppose to Be....it's been a great day today. i'll put it in my treasure box to reflect on another day....

4 comments:

Julie said...

I love eating at a new restaurant, we did yesterday also, good food. Glad your getting at ease. I find the older I get the more accepting I am.

Martha said...

Glad it was a great day and so glad you feel the burden has been lifted. You have to just live your life and be who you are. Hope the week will continue to go well for you.

Indigo said...

I think we get to a certain point in our lives we need to cater to what we want and worry less about what everyone else thinks. Life is too short to hold your feeling in check dear friend. I'm glad your finding acceptance with it. (Hugs)Indigo

Richie's 2ts Inspires said...

Hope everything goes well after the burden lifted.

Just be who you are and go with the flow and yes, worry less! Y worry others.

JUST DO IT! *wink ENJOY LIFE TO THE FULLEST