Monday, April 12, 2010
heart of tears
It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinions; it is easy in solitude to live after your own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude -Ralph Waldo Emerson
i woke this morn with a heart full of tears. my heart aches for the departure of Julie. she means so much to me. she has meant much to others as well. i think her and i actually got closer within the last month since she announced her resignation. we had lunch a couple times, one as recent as a few days ago. it was through these lunches that i gained insight as to my struggles, she confirming what i already knew. the final piece came together reading the code required of practitioners. i knew without a doubt that i could knot adhere to that code. there was something very important to me missing in it=the human element. we can all talk spiritual ideas and thoughts but if we don't connect from our hearts, our humanity, then everything else has no meaning. i was getting a sense of this as i journeyed through the class. but finally reading it in bold print it was like night and day for me. there are good things in this 'philosophy' i have been learning, but i realized i must honor myself and my own beliefs as well, my truest and highest calling. i have gained much through this journey called practitioning but there is far more for me. i am grateful for the teaching and what i have learned of myself, but now is the time to move on. it was interesting that when Julie announced her resignation, I cried out Why God, Why? my Spirit answered in a whisper, "so you can have your freedom". what freedom? i thought i had it already. what did this really mean. well as i laid down to sleep last night, i finally FELT it. i knew the answer from deep within me. I am free to think how I desire. I am free to pray however I want (there was a particular way to pray), I am free to BE however I choose-i don't have to be someone i'm knot. I am free to come and go as I please without being bound by another organization-there were more rules to live by according to the code. I AM FREE!!!! I am a compassionate, loving, honest person living my own code of ethics, I don't need another set of code to change that. I could knot honor that practitioner's code for it did not align with my own integrity and who I am. I saw the good intent within that code, but I felt it fell flat in the human department. I have regain more of myself as I let this go, discovering more of me that which was forgotten long time ago. the journey as been worth it here in this philosophy for I've learned more of the real me there is. I am happy and content with who I am. I will still stretch and grow but there is this basic self of me. I continue onward marching to my own beat. the above quote arrived at my doorstep just in time. it came only a day or two ago. i'll keep it near so i can remind me of the drum for which i step. I am so happy I finally Honored myself.....I have been caged too long...